A Man's Most Dreaded Words - "Honey, We Need To Talk", Part 2

By Steven Stosny

Always try to connect before you talk about anything emotional.

When people feel valued they cooperate; when they feel devalued or threatened, they resist.

The best advice for men is to incorporate small gestures for connection into their routine, e.g. "Brush my teeth-kiss my wife. Pour my coffee-pour her coffee, answer work emails-email my love."

Be aware of how important she is to you - she provides the meaning of your life, so don't wait to show love for her until she's got her bags packed and ready to walk out the door.

Hug her at least six times a day. Surprise her now and then. Help her often.

Women should start conversations with touch.

Men need 2-3 times more touching to feel connected.

Yes, they like non-sexual touching, as long as they're not sex-starved.

Men feel more connected through mutual activities, so try to do things with them. Women report that they have the best talks with their husbands while walking and driving because then he's doing something with you. Understand that he feels connected to you when you are nearby but letting him do his routine.

And don't forget sex. Orgasm releases oxytocin and is his only source of the bonding chemical. It increases his desire to be close.

You CAN be aware when the other is feeling fear or shame.

Fortunately, we have powerful internal signals of the fear-shame dynamic. If a woman feels anxious and her man isn't helping, he's probably feeling shame and she needs to make a compassionate connection with him.

If a man is feeling hassled or trapped and his woman is making it worse, he can bet that she's feeling fear of isolation or of deprivation; he needs to get in touch with how much he cares for her and reassure her.

The discomfort they both feel is not something that one is doing to the other. Rather, it is happening to both of them, and together and they can disarm it.

Mutually disarming the fear-shame dynamic is the most effective way to achieve the closeness you both want, which is, at heart, a love beyond words.   

_______________________________________________________   

God bless your family and your marriage.

Jim Stephens