How To Talk To Your Spouse About Sex

By John Gray

Because sex is still somewhat of a taboo subject in our society, too often we only talk about sex when what we are doing ISN'T working. Then what could have been a fun experience of talking about our sexual wants and desires often ends up sounding like criticism or blame.

Men are particularly sensitive to this type of feedback and often feel blamed if a woman only talks about sex when there is a problem.

Many men feel like they are expected to know about sex; to know what pleases a woman. Women on the other hand are often too shy to tell a man outright what they want. This assumption often means that neither person asks questions and both people are forced to fake confidence in order to please their partner. Fortunately, there are easy ways to talk about sex.

What Works In Talking About Sex:

Discuss sexual needs in a casual, detached manner without getting turned on. It is particularly helpful for men to have a woman explain what she likes simply and matter-of-factly rather then engaging in a sexy conversation.

A man can ask for direct feedback. This is a good idea particularly after having what seems like good sex. Another good time to ask is in response to a comment in a book or a movie scene. Keep the conversation casual.

Give feedback during sex. Men need verbal responses from a woman during sex. It is best for these responses to be in the form of little noises instead of using complete sentences. This gives him the positive feedback he needs.

What Doesn't Work In Talking About Sex:

Do not go into great detail about what you don't like. If a man asks a woman specifically about something he did during sex that she didn't like, then she can say "it was nice", "it was all right", or even "I'm not really into that" without much enthusiasm. These types of gentle comments not only make it okay for a man to ask again, but also keep him from feeling he is being corrected or criticized.

The mechanical approach doesn't work. When talking to a woman about what she likes in bed, it's never a good idea for a man to take notes and then say, "So, first you want me to do this, then you like that, and then after this, I should always do that." Women will not find it very sexy if you are following a formula instead of expressing your feelings during sex.

Ten Sexual Turn-offs for a guy. A man is the most sensitive to criticism or negative feedback during sex, and if a woman does not understand this she may unintentionally turn him off by saying things like:

  1. "You're not doing it right."

  2. "I don't like that."

  3. "Ouch! That hurts!"

  4. "Don't touch me like that."

  5. "That tickles."

  6. "Not like that."

  7. "Not yet."

  8. "Not there."

  9. "I'm not ready."

 10. "What are you doing?"

By understanding that what a man wants most during sex is to please his partner and that what a woman wants most is for her partner to confidently please her, couples can work together and talking about sex can become fun, comfortable and less intimidating for both sexes.

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God bless your family and your marriage.

Jim Stephens