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Complaints Are The Clues To How To Love Someone - Part 2
by Dr. Gary Chapman
Summary of this article
This is the second part of an article by Gary Chapman about how the things that a person "complains" about are really telling us how we can better love them in the way they want to be loved.
Complaints Are The Clues To How To Love Someone - Part 1
By Gary Chapman
Do you know your own "love language"? Do you know the love language of your spouse? Many couples love each other, but they are not speaking the right love language that communicates it to their spouse. My research indicates that there are only five basic languages of love. 
1. Words of Affirmation - using words to affirm your spouse. 
2. Gifts - the gift is evidence that you were thinking about them.
3. Acts of Service - doing something for your spouse that you know they would like.
4. Quality Time - giving your spouse your undivided attention.
5. Physical Touch - holding hands, kissing, embracing, putting your hand on their shoulder; any touch so long as it is affirming.
Out of these five, each of us has a primary love language. One of these speaks more deeply emotionally than the others. If you don't speak the primary love language of your spouse, then he/she may not feel loved, even when you are speaking any or all of the others.  
What does your spouse most often request of you?  
What your spouse requests of you most often is a clue to his/her love language. You may have interpreted their requests as nagging.  In fact, they have been telling you what makes them feel loved. 
If your spouse is requesting that you take a walk after dinner, go with them on a picnic, cut the TV off and talk, or get a weekend away together, they are requesting quality time. That is his/her primary love language. The thing that makes them feel most loved is when they have your undivided attention. 
One wife said, "I feel neglected and unloved because seldom does he spend time with me. He gives me nice gifts on my birthday and wonders why I'm not excited about them. Gifts mean little when you don't feel loved." Her husband was sincere, but he was not speaking her love language. He later said, "if I had known that sitting on the couch talking with her was more important than gifts, I could have saved a lot of money."
Discover the love language of your spouse if you want a growing marriage.  
How does your spouse most often express love to you? 
Observe their love expressions carefully. Is it Words of affirmation?  Gifts?  Acts of Service? Quality time? Or, Physical Touch?  The way they express love to you is likely the way they wish you would express love to them. 
If he is often hugging and kissing you, his love language is probably physical touch.  He wishes you would take initiative to hug and kiss him. 
If she is always cooking meals, washing and folding your clothes, cleaning up the bathroom after you leave, then her love language is probably acts of service.  She wishes that you would help her with the work around the house. If you don't, then she feels unloved. For her, your taking out the garbage is more important than your hugs and kisses. One husband said, "If I had known that my taking out the garbage would make her feel loved and more responsive sexually, I would have been taking out the garbage years ago."  Too bad it took him so many years to learn his wife's primary love language.  

Dr. Gary Chapman is the author of many books. To learn more about his two major relationship building tools, click on these links:
God bless your marriage and family.
Jim Stephens


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