The Little Things - They Do Too Matter
By John Gray
At first it's cute that he doesn't rinse out the milk glass or that she paints her toenails at the dinner table ... but after several dozen occurrences, your sweetie's once endearing behavior has become a bane of your existence.
What do you do when you're finally irritated to the point that you're turned off by your partner? You may feel like it's too late to object to their behavior since they've been doing it for so long. You may even think it's silly that you're actually letting this habit of theirs get to you so you try to ignore it.
A psychologist at the University of Louisville recently studied the "little things" phenomenon in a romantic relationship. What were his results? Some people have such intense reactions to what they consider their partner's annoying behaviors that they are likened to physical allergies!
The researcher coined these irksome actions as "social allergens" which may begin as simply small irritations but, over time, become symbolic of larger things going on in the relationship.
Some behaviors became so irritating that people develop stomachaches, rashes, and even fevers.
Four distinct behaviors were identified:
Uncouth (choosing to forgo deodorant or peeing with the door open);
Egocentric (insisting on picking the restaurant or always needing to be right);
Intrusive (snooping in their partner's email/phone or nitpicking about clothes/hair); and
Norm-violating (getting drunk at parties or even shoplifting).
When you put these allergens together, it's easy to see how they could truly impact the success of a relationship. We call an adding-up of annoying habits the "snowball effect". But, truly, it only takes one behavior to throw a wrench into things.
Plenty of small issues have turned into the "elephant in the middle of the room" in the relationship and caused love to implode. You know why? That snowball becomes a giant collection of resentment - you pick up other little things along the way and carry it all around with you.
It may seem that only issues like infidelity, lack of communication, intimacy troubles, neglect, and so on are capable of putting a relationship in jeopardy, but not so. What happens with the little things is that they erode the life of a relationship over time.
Your partner's social allergen can be absolutely anything, but according to the university researcher, there are certain allergens particular to men and women:
Social Allergens for Men
Men get irked when she talks baby talk, can't cut out the criticism, implements the silent treatment, issues ultimatums, and becomes a prima-donna perfectionist.
Social Allergens for Women
Women grit their teeth when he looks or flirts with other women, forgets important dates, seems lazy and without ambition, chooses the guys over her, and starts arguments over petty and insignificant issues.
Social Allergens for Both
Both Martians and Venusians have a problem with foul language, belching, and gas.
Often the heart of the concern is that the little things have morphed into the big situation at hand - it's just hard to see it because the relationship trouble has become so much bigger than that.
While it may not seem like her eclectic taste in music or his refusal to ever give up the remote could be enough to kill a relationship ... they actually can be. If she complains and he invalidates her reaction, then she feels like he doesn't care and he's irritated that she's so critical. The results? Mars - Venus no-no No. 1 - a breakdown in communication.
It takes 200 repetitions to change a habit, but in cases where he scrapes his fork against the plate and she insists on calling him "schnookums" in public, sometimes people can't change. At that point, you have two choices - run for the hills, or learn coping mechanisms that will become second nature in time and enable you to accept your partner for good and for bad.
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