Repeatedly Flipping A Broken Light Switch
 
By Rev. Emerson Eggerichs Ph.D.

What happens when a husband hands his wife a Diet book?

What happens when a wife hands her husband a Marriage book and says, "I've underlined in yellow the sections you NEED to read?"

I'll come back to these examples in a minute.

If I come into a room and flip a light switch but the light does not come on, you'd think nothing of it. But if I stood there for half an hour flipping it, trying to get it on, you'd say, "He's crazy."

Marital craziness is when we do the same thing over and over with the same negative results. I call it the Crazy Cycle.

All of us who are married go through this cycle. The topics change, and the intensity varies, but the Crazy Cycle continues. This often 

happens among good willed people. In other words, neither one is a bad person nor is it a bad marriage. Truth is that they are inches away from making an adjustment that can set them on a whole new and positive course. If, however, they do not see underneath this "craziness," to the real heart of their spouse, this thing can spin out of control.

Are you interested in discovering the secret that cracks the communication code?

You see, each of us reacts in code, and we expect our spouse to decode the code! Sadly, that rarely happens.

Based on Ephesians 5:33 we discover how a husband and wife should respond to each other. "Nevertheless let each individual among you also love his own wife even as himself; and let the wife see to it that she respect her husband" (Ephesians 5:33).

A wife's primary need is love, so a husband would be wise to assume that this is behind his wife's reactions. However a husband's primary need is respect, so a wife would be prudent to assume this is what is behind her husband's reactions.

Back to the story of the Diet Book and Marriage Book?

When handed the Diet Book, the wife feels unloved. Therefore she typically reacts negatively to being unloved. She assumes her husband will understand her reaction. However, if he doesn't get it then she might be flipping on a broken light switch. Though she feels her husband should wake up to his unloving behavior, that rarely happens. Why? It's because her reaction comes across as very disrespectful to her husband.
 
Just as much as she needs to feel loved, he needs to feel respected. When he feels offended and disrespected, he will find it tough to empathize with her need for love.

How many wives keep reacting disrespectfully every time they feel unloved? After all, isn't the guy brain dead for giving her a Diet book? Shouldn't she verbally pounce on him?

Well, does it work?

Rarely. Does he now feel warm and fuzzy toward her? Sure, she can seek to teach him a lesson by her contempt. He won't get a Diet book again, that's for sure. Yet, at what price? A wife could better 

make her point if she understands how to communicate so it will be received.

This is why the Lord instructs wives to focus on respect (Ephesians 5:33b and 1 Peter 3:2). Respecting him is the best way for her to awaken her husband to her own need to be loved. This is the answer to insuring the marriage goes the distance. When she discovers the secret God has revealed to her, she can halt the craziness. To be sure, the Diet book hurts her, but telling him he is a brain dead is like flipping that proverbially broken light switch. It simply does not work long term. It wouldn't work if he called her brain dead.

When handed the Marriage Book, the husband might feel disrespected. He reacts negatively because he feels his performance as a husband is being criticized. Typically he will just neglect the book in order to avoid an argument. He assumes his wife will decode his behavior and understand the message, "I am not energized by your hinting that I am not good enough in your eyes."
 
If she commands him to read the book, he'll get angry and stubbornly refuse. If he does concede, he'll do so with internal protest. This is a typical negative reaction whenever he feels disrespected.
 
The husband, of course, needs to see that his reaction is also flipping on the broken light switch. It is not effective. The wife doesn't get the message that he is feeling disrespected because his behavior is saying to her, "I don't love you." When she feels offended and unloved by his neglect of their marriage (ie the lessons in the book), she finds it tough to empathize with his need for respect.

Many husbands keep reacting in anger and without love every time they feel disrespected? Rarely does this work.
 
She does not warm up to him. He might teach her a lesson so he won't get a Marriage book stuffed his way any time too soon. But what was the cost?
 
Here's the suggestion for the husband. Forget the stonewalling and refusing to address issues in the marriage. He can say lovingly, "I feel disrespected when you give me this book. I feel like you are saying, 'I do not accept you. I do not approve of you. I do not respect you as a man." 

This is why the Lord instructs husbands to focus on love (Ephesians 5:33b and Colossians 3:19). This enables him better than any other way to awaken his wife to his need to be respected.

One wife said, "I realized through this that I was shouting at him too much. He wasn't hearing my deeper cry for his understanding and love. My shouting truly was interfering. What I wanted was his love. But how could he be tender with me when I was screaming at him, 'Love me!'?"

One husband said, "I recognized that when I went silent, thinking this prevented me from getting more angry, which it did, it also made her feel rejected. What I wanted from her was a more respectful attitude but my silence made her insecure. She got more upset with me and said things that made me feel more disrespected."

Let's all stop flipping a broken light switch.

Love and Respect Ministries Inc. Copyright 2006
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