Reality Check: 6 Realities 

In Marriage - Part 1

By Gary D. Chapman

It's time to throw out the myths and get ready to accept six positive realities.

(Continued from the previous Marriage Tip:  Reality Check: Myths On Marriage.)

Reality 1:  I am responsible for my own attitude

Trouble is inevitable, but misery is optional. Sometimes when two people are in a troubled marriage, one curses while the other prays. The difference is attitude.

Focus on how terrible the situation is and it'll get worse.

Focus on one positive thing and another will appear.

In the darkest night of a troubled marriage, a light always flickers. Zero in on that light and it will eventually flood the room.

Wendy's husband hasn't had a full-time job in three years - not that she's whining about it. "Now that we can't afford cable TV, we've done a lot more talking at night," she says. "We've learned a lot. It's amazing how many things we can do without that everybody else thinks they have to have. It's been a challenge, but we're making the most of it."

Three weeks after I met Wendy, I encountered Lisa, whose husband had been out of work for ten months. Lisa had been frantic with worry the whole time and had reached a point of mental and physical exhaustion. She was certain they'd lose everything. She moaned about having to drop cable TV and not being able to have a second car. She lived on the edge of despair.

Similar problems, completely different attitudes.

A "positive mental attitude" might sound like pop psychology, but the injunction to pursue "the bright side" is as old as Paul's letter to the Philippians: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things" (Phil. 4:6-8).

Reality 2:  Attitude affects actions

You may not be able to control your environment (sickness, irresponsible or addicted spouse, teen on drugs, an abusive or absent parent), but you choose what you'll do within your environment. Your attitude will greatly influence your behavior. If you've got a pessimistic, defeatist attitude it'll be expressed in negative words and behavior.

Wendy built her marriage during the stressful years of her husband's unemployment. She affirmed him when he got discouraged and assured him they'd make it until he got a full-time job. They both got part-time jobs. She came up with an idea to collect aluminum cans so they'd have "fun" money. They got so creative from picking up pop cans on their evening walk to collecting regularly from local businesses and restaurant that soon they were able to eat out and go to the movies every week. Wendy's positive attitude led to positive action.

Meanwhile, Lisa criticized her husband for ten months, telling all her friends - while her husband could hear her - how disappointed she was in him. She refused to work herself, and she spent most of her time sleeping or watching TV . No wonder their marriage was in serious trouble. Her negative attitudes and actions compounded the original problem.

Reality 3:  I can't change others, but I can influence others

It's widely assumed that you can't change your spouse. But don't overlook the less obvious truth: that you still have great influence over him or her. Because we're relational creatures, we're influenced through our relationships.

I don't mean manipulation. That never works, because the moment your spouse realizes you're trying to exert control, there'll be rebellion. Nobody wants to be controlled.

But all married couples influence each other every day. When a guy comes home, kisses his wife and says, "I missed you today," he's influencing her in a positive way. But when a guy comes home and walks straight to his computer room without acknowledging his wife's presence, he's influencing her negatively. A woman would respond differently to those two different approaches.

This radical reality can bring about amazing changes in a spouse when one partner is willing to choose a positive attitude that leads to positive actions. One woman told me, "I can't believe what's happened to my husband. I never dreamed he could be so loving and kind."

(Part 2 tomorrow with 3 more realities.)

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Gary D. Chapman, Ph.D., is a marriage and relationship expert and best-selling author of numerous books, including The Five Love Languages (Moody) and Covenant Marriage (Broadman & Holman).

Copyright © 2004 by Gary D. Chapman