My Personal Marriage Journey
By Dr. Gary Chapman
I remember the day when I said to God, "I don't know what else to do. I've done everything I know to do, and things aren't getting any better. In fact they seem to be getting worse."
When I finished the prayer, there came to my mind a visual image from a story in the Bible. This story tells of the night before Jesus was hung on the cross, when he was celebrating the Jewish festival of the Passover with his closest followers. At one point Jesus shocked the men at the table by getting up, pouring water into a basin, and washing each of their feet in turn. This act of service was usually reserved for the lowliest slaves, since it was an unpleasant task. Yet Jesus, the leader of the group and their Lord, deliberately performed this humble, loving act of servanthood for his friends.
With that image in my mind, in my heart I knew I was hearing God's answer to my prayer: "That is the problem in your marriage. You don't have the attitude of Christ toward your wife."
This encounter with God moved me deeply because I had found the answer. My attitude in the early days of our marriage could be encapsulated by the words I had been repeatedly saying in one form or another to my wife: "Look, I know how to have a good marriage. If you will listen to me, we will have one." Karolyn would not "listen to me," and I blamed her for our poor marriage.
But that day I heard a different message. The problem was not Karolyn, the problem was my attitude. So I said to God, "Please forgive me. Give me the attitude of Christ toward my wife. Teach me how to serve her as Jesus served his followers."
In retrospect, that was the greatest prayer I ever prayed about my marriage because God changed my heart. A whole new vista opened in my mind, and I saw myself playing a totally different role in our marriage.
I was no longer to be the king, barking out orders to my wife and announcing my expectations of her.
Instead, I would give myself to acts of love and kindness designed to enrich her life and encourage her to become the person she was designed to be.
Three questions made all this practical for me. They are simple questions, but they gave me the information I needed to become a lover toward my wife:
What can I do to help you today?
How can I make your life easier?
How can I be a better husband to you?
