Why Don't Men Do More Work Around the House?

 

Have you ever heard that, in a woman's world, a typical day starts and ends with doing some laundry? Of course there are other things that she does while going about her business, such as tidying up the kitchen while she waits for her morning coffee to brew, unloading the dishwasher while the bread is toasting, and emptying a trash can and taking the bag out on her way to work.
 
Men, on the other hand, do not generally start and end their day doing laundry. Women readers at MarsVenus.com report that many men they know, in the course of going about their business, do other things, such as drip coffee across the kitchen counter and figure it will get wiped up eventually, pile dishes in the sink until it is overflowing because the dishwasher hasn't been unloaded, and take out the trash if it's overflowing onto the floor... but only if it's garbage day... otherwise, why bother, there will just be more to take out in a couple of days! If you are a man like this or know of one, this is the article for you.
 
Of course there are plenty of neatnik men out there, but why is it so many women report that they feel responsible for such a large part of the day-to-day upkeep around the house? Time and time again, we hear, "Why doesn't he clean up more often? Why doesn't he bother to see what needs to be done? Why won't he take some initiative?" Women often feel that their partner's actions say, "I love you but I don't care about you," and "I love you, but not enough to put my dishes in the dishwasher!" The day-to-day stuff she does to keep the house going does not tend to be of any interest to him. An otherwise happy woman can go completely nuts over this stuff.
 
So, how does a woman's world mesh with a man's world without her doing all of the routine housekeeping chores? After all, a man will do his share around the house -- when nagged, when she freaks out, or when he knows he's in trouble.
 
His lack of interest in what matters to her makes her feel terrible: ignored, neglected, not cared for. Over time, her bad feelings pile up and then overflow like the trash bin and she comes down with "resentment flu." Hard feelings and negative emotions can start to escalate on both sides.
 
What exactly is the problem here? Simply put, men and women are different. Period.
 
It's natural, but not very helpful, when she wants him to CHANGE.
 
He doesn't place value on the same things that she does. In his world, traditional "Man Jobs," like taking out the trash, lawn mowing, or cleaning the pool, are occasional bursts of work around the house done once every week.
 
Women, on the other hand, tend to do continuous small tasks on a daily basis. Why does he pull his briefs from the mountain of clean laundry without stopping to fold and put away the rest? We find that often the small daily tasks that keep a house going are just not on his radar screen.
 
Does he ignore work just to make her crazy? In a word: NO. But it sure can seem like it because the needs are so real and ever-present to her.
 
So men and women are different -- it's true and it doesn't mean that we have to like it! It also doesn't mean that the problem is solved. Understanding the differences, however, does take much of the emotion out of it and allows for calm follow up.
 
Once the differences are recognized, it is important to acknowledge that neither partner can be made to change.
 
His inaction in the home is not designed to offend her -- although, of course, it does. She can't change his behavior, but she can explain to him how his actions (or inactions, as they may be) make her feel. When she communicates her needs in a non-blaming way, he will be more motivated to want to help her, and may stop to look at the home through her eyes more often.
 
Pick a time without distractions to have an open, honest conversation. To get more input from the Martian in her house, a woman could explain to her mate the differences between men and women, and tell him how his behavior and lack of action in carrying out household tasks makes her feel.
 
Ask for his help in a non-judgmental, matter-of-fact way: "Would you please take the trash out all the time when it is full instead of only once a week?"
 
If she calmly explains to him that his positive actions around the house will show her that he cares about her, he may be more motivated to do his share -- without being nagged or reminded constantly. After all, men really do want to please!
 
Another option is to sit down and come up with solutions so that neither of you has to do more than you really want to around the house. If you can afford it, hire a weekly or bi-weekly maid service, yard service, and/or a company that delivers groceries to your home. After all, maybe the best way to alleviate the problem is simply to spend more time doing the things that you love and spending time together when you are at home, instead of being stressed about getting everything done on schedule.
 
Men and women will always be different, but it doesn't mean that we can't see eye to eye if we understand our differences and use clear, calm communication to bridge the gaps.

 

Gentlemen, if you feel unfairly singled out on this issue, stay tuned for our future article about why men are disappointed if their partner is not as interested in sex as they are.
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