How To Stop The Badgering - Part 1

By Dr. Scott Haltzman
 
Is badgering a sign of love? Find out where the badgering is coming from and how to stop it.
 
Question: Why do I always badger my spouse over the smallest things? I truly feel deep love, but I always get so upset over nothing. Is it because the love is so strong that I'm looking for perfection?
 
Badgering is a way to call attention to something you don't like in someone you do like.
 
It would be a wonderful character trait and even very romantic if finding fault were a sign of strong love. But actually, it's merely a sign of being alive.
 
All animals are pre-programmed to look for incongruities between our expectations and reality. When experimental monkeys are marked with paint, they are shunned by other monkeys. When birds in research centers get their wings cut, they are not chosen by other birds for mating.

 

People, likewise are very attentive to incongruities in other people, and are likely to be upset by them.
 
So, while finding fault is a characteristic of all animals, and not a sign of love, badgering is, however, as far as I can tell, a distinct human trait.
 
Badgering links the observation of a fault with the insistence on the part of the individual who found the fault that the other correct himself or herself. Whew, that's a mouthful.

 

Ironically, we don't usually badger unfamiliar or unloved people­. We save this feedback for the poor souls whom we are closest to.
 
Think about it; if the cashier at the supermarket looks like he hasn't combed his hair in weeks, you don't tell him to clean up his act. But if your husband hasn't picked up his socks from the floor you're right on it, reminding him of his mess!

 

The cost of having a close relationship, especially a marriage, ­is that each of you easily observes the other's faults and then wants the other to meet certain standards of improvement.
 
Come back tomorrow for Part 2 for sections on (1) Why We Badger, (2) When To Badger, and (3) Effective Strategies To Get Change.

 

Dr. Haltzman is a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at Brown University. He is also the author of "The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever." You can find Dr. Haltzman at www.DrScott.com 

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