How To Stop The Badgering - Part 2

By Dr. Scott Haltzman
 
Question: Why do I always badger my spouse over the smallest things? I truly feel deep love, but I always get so upset over nothing. Is it because the love is so strong that I'm looking for perfection?
 
Badgering is a way to call attention to something you don't like in someone you do like. 
 
People, like all animals, are very attentive to incongruities in other people, and are likely to be upset by them.
 
So, while finding fault is a characteristic of all animals, it seems to be a distinctly human trait.
 
Badgering links the observation of a fault with the insistence on the part of the individual who found the fault that the other person change himself or herself. 

 

The cost of having a close relationship, especially a marriage, ­is that each of you easily observes the other's faults and then wants the other to meet certain standards of improvement. 
 
Why We Badger
 
We badger because we think it is an effective way of fixing faults in others.
 
Please take special note of this. It doesn't work.
 
I've met with many individuals that say, "If he (or she) would just stop badgering me, I would do it!" Frankly, that doesn't work either.
 
Also it's not possible to get someone to change the way you want unless you let him or her know what it is you want. So not saying anything is not very likely to get you what you want. Yet unless you ask for what you want in the right way, you may also come out empty handed.
 
But before you try to change your partner, the first question you need to ask is: "Is this so important?" There are a number of litmus tests that will help you decide whether it's worth going down the "I love you exactly the way you are, so now change" road.
 
Ask Yourself, IS It Worth It? 
 
1. On a scale of 1-10, how would I rank this issue? [If it's not a 7-10, consider letting it go.]
 
2. Twenty minutes from now (or 20 days, or 20 years) will this issue really have made that much of a difference? [If not, consider taking a step back.]
 
3. How much of a burden would it place on my partner to change this, versus how much do I gain from it.
 
4. Am I asking him or her to do something that just isn't part of their nature, and comes out of my own insecurities?
 
Suggestions To Get A Change 
 
If you do feel compelled to seek some change in your mate, it's better to work for common happiness rather than insist on change because you alone want it.

 

Instead of complaining about what he or she is doing wrong from your perspective, try some of these strategies:
 
1. Don't' finger point ("you're inconsiderate!"), that just prompts defensiveness. Instead, describe how the issue and your mate's actions affect you ("I feel frustrated when I have to always pick up the socks you leave around").
 
2. We are drawn to faults, yes, but your spouse still has many positive traits. Make sure to take the time to point out to yourself all the things about your mate that you value.
 
3. If your partner resists changing at first, avoid getting defensive yourself. Change takes time, and your mate needs your understanding.
 
4. Respect your partner. Your mate has an opportunity to be a source of inspiration and information to you, if you show you are open to it. Feeling respected, especially for men, is critical in relationships; so give your spouse the respect you would want for yourself.
 
Remember that the phrase "Growing old together" includes the word "growing". This means that each of you will move in different directions as you spend your lives together in ways that you adore and ways that drive you nuts. Finding the way to accept some of these changes, and discovering ways to change your spouse's behavior without being critical, is part of that growth. 
 
Dr. Haltzman is a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at Brown University. He is also the author of "The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever." You can find Dr. Haltzman at www.DrScott.com 

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