by eHarmony Staff

Knowing what men instinctively fear can be a great way for women to begin to think about their own behavior -- and the effect it may have on dating life!  (....married life too...Jim)

Each gender has a unique set of fears based on their biology and the normal socialization that we all go through. In this article, we're going to look at the most common fears that men have when they are considering a dating relationship.

Are these universal? Of course not. Are they common? You bet. Here they are in no particular order.

 

Yesterday we gave two of the five fears. Here are three more.

A Third Fear: You Won't Respect Him

A wise psychologist once wrote, "In a relationship, women want to be cherished and men want to be admired." Men do want their partners to admire them. Not in a ticker-tape parade kind of way, but as a quiet nod of respect for what he does and has accomplished. We all know this on some primal level.

There is a scene in the Sam Raimi movie, "A Simple Plan" that illustrates this perfectly. Two brothers find several million dollars out in the woods. They lead happy but humble lives in a small town, and go through many twists and turns trying to figure out how to keep the money and not raise suspicions.

In the end, one brother decides to burn the money and his adoring wife, who has been quiet and supportive the entire film turns on him like a rabid dog. "Do you think I like the life you've made for us? Do you think I like wearing used clothes, and scrimping and saving to go to the grocery store? What kind of man are you?" The entire theater gasps! There's something so cutting in having this woman verbalize her lack of respect for her husband.

In the real world, this presents itself in many ways. Criticizing a man in front of his friends is a typical one. Whether it is true or not, dragging out a foible in front of a guy's friends is humiliating and usually has the friends thinking, "She's airing his dirty laundry! Poor guy."

A Fourth Fear: You'll Pretend to Be Sane and Turn Out to Be Crazy

Certainly, no one wants "crazy" in their lives. If there was a crazy-meter that clicked like a Geiger counter whenever you came across a nut job, they would be a mandatory purchase for all daters.

Men are especially scared of the masked crazy woman because they are much worse at reading signs and picking up subtle hints early on. Women seem to be masters at figuring out what's underneath the surface. Men have a harder time looking past the surface and the early date niceties to see what dangers lurk beneath.
But again, this fear is born out of what men have watched their friends endure. The sweet guy who ends up with a woman who calls his cell phone every 20 minutes, who yells at him (more on this below), and cannot be satisfied with any earthly pleasure. We've all seen the look in this poor man's eyes, and thought to ourselves - "I will never let this happen to me."

We know that this guy isn't stupid. He fell in love with an attractive woman who was lots of fun, and somehow after he made his choice and pushed out to sea with her, the water got rough. But it's too late, he's in love, and all her childish rants and demanding illogic can't get him to leave.

A bird's eye view of this kind of relationship can chill a man to the bone. Again, it may be impossible for him to understand how his friend is contributing to this terrible relationship. All he sees is a crazy woman and a pathetic friend.

A Fifth Fear: You'll Be High Maintenance

High maintenance is a term that gets tossed around a lot. Because money makes "high" and "low" relative, we suggest that the whole maintenance scale be replaced with a "fussiness scale." How fussy is your date, and how much fussy can you take? A fussy woman scares men to death.

She's fussy because she cannot be pleased. She has a very narrow range of what is acceptable to her. She likes only certain foods. They must be prepared a certain way. She only likes a few activities. Hiking? "No I don't like to get sweaty." Roller Coasters? "I'm scared." Skiing? "No, I don't like the cold." Any kind of physical discomfort is intolerable. Often times she is quick to suggest things the guy can do to make her more comfortable, "Would you go ask the bartender if I can have another drink, this time with more orange juice and less ice?"

Ask her why she's so fussy and she'll say, "This is what I like. Am I wrong to want the things I like?" She may not be wrong to want what she wants, but trying to please her is a full time job.

All this stuff is very scary to most men. Because a woman like this is unlikely to ever utter the most pleasing phrase a man can hear: "You know what? I'm good." When you're at a baseball game and it starts to rain and you forgot your rain gear and you turn to your date and say, "I'm so sorry," and she says, "You know what? I'm good," and smiles, a man's heart does double back flips of joy. Seriously.

When the chips are down and things go wrong, a woman who just kicks back and says, "Who cares? I'm good!" is a beauty to behold.

When it's all said and done, fear drives a large percentage of all our lives. The things we eat. The places we live. The jobs we take. These choices are made based on some mixture of fear of negative outcomes and desire for positive ones.

 

Dating is no different. Knowing what men instinctively fear can be a great way to think about your own behavior and the effect it may have on your dating life.

 

Of course, it takes two to tango and in a relationship if one person is super fussy; the other person is putting up with the super fussy behavior. Each bears some responsibility for the dynamics of their life together.

See the Marriage Tip from yesterday for two more of men's fears in dating and relationships.

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