This is a very interesting insight about how the things that a person "complains" about are really telling us how we can better love them in the way they want to be loved.

 

By Gary Chapman
 
Do you know your love language? Do you know the love language of your spouse? Many couples are sincere. They love each other, but they are not speaking the right love language. My research indicates that there are only five basic languages of love. 
 
1. Words of Affirmation - using words to affirm your spouse. 
 
2. Gifts - the gift is evidence that you were thinking about them.
 
3. Acts of Service - doing something for your spouse that you know they would like.
 
4. Quality Time - giving your spouse your undivided attention.
 
5. Physical Touch - holding hands, kissing, embracing, putting your hand on their shoulder; any touch so long as it is affirming.
 
Out of these five, each of us has a primary love language. One of these speaks more deeply emotionally than the others. If you don't speak the primary love language of your spouse, then he/she may not feel loved, even when you are speaking the others.  
 
What does your spouse complain about most often?
 
What your spouse complains about reveals his/her love language. 

 

We usually interpret their complaints as negative criticism, but they are actually giving us valuable information.  Complaints reveal the heart. 
 
If your spouse says, "We don't every spend time together.  We're like two ships passing in the dark." They are telling you that quality time is their love language and their love tank is setting on empty. 
 
If your spouse says, "I don't think you would ever touch me if I didn't initiate it." They are revealing that physical touch is their love language.   
 
If you return from a business trip and your spouse says, "You mean you didn't bring me anything?"  They are telling you that gifts is their love language and they can't believe that you came home empty-handed.
 
If your spouse complains, "I don't ever do anything right."  They are telling you that words of affirmation is their love language and they are not hearing those words from you.
 
If they say, "If you loved me, then you would help me."  They are shouting that their love language is acts of service.  

 

Discover and speak the love language of your spouse if you want a growing marriage.  
 
What does your spouse do or say that hurts you most deeply?  
 
The thing that hurts you most deeply is probably a clue to your love language.  It may not be what they do or say, but rather what they fail to do or say. 

 

One wife said, "He never lifts a hand to help me around the house.  He watches television while I do all the work. I don't understand how he could do that if he really loved me."  Her love language is acts of service.  In her mind, if you love someone, you do things to help them. For her, actions speak louder than words.
 
However, for others, words may speak louder than actions. One husband said, "All she ever does is criticize me. I don't know why she married me. It's obvious she doesn't love me." For him if you love someone, you speak kindly to them. His love language is words of affirmation. That is why her critical words hurt him so deeply. 
 
If you want to discover your spouses' love language you might ask: What is it that I do or say, or fail to do or say that hurts you most deeply?  Their answer will reveal their love language.  
 

____________________________________________________

Dr. Gary Chapman is the author of many books. To learn more about his two major relationship building tools, click on these links: