Daily Tips from The Marriage Library
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How Big Problems Grow Out of Small Stuff 
 
by Dr. John Gray
 
Summary of this article
 
Here is a great reminder from John Gray. Take care of all the small stuff and the "big stuff" usually takes care of itself.
 
Jim
How Big Problems Grow Out of Small Stuff
 
By Dr. John Gray

The secret for creating lasting love and romance is in learning how to solve little problems, which most often grow out of a series of simple misunderstandings.
 
When we think about failed relationships, we often focus on what big problems occurred that drove a happy couple apart. But surprisingly it is most often a long list of small issues that in the end created those big problems and created a breach between once loving partners.
 
That said, if we can learn to address the small stuff, the big problems become much easier to handle.

Whether we stop to consciously acknowledge it or not, our feelings are hurt by each small misunderstanding. Over a short period of time those small hurts become like a physical bruise. It can heal if left alone, but when the same spot is poked at again and again, that bruise has no chance to heal.
 
Don't blame yourself for this, and don't blame your partner. We can hurt each other's feelings with little or no awareness that we have done so. To facilitate healing, we can learn to accept imperfection by practicing forgiveness. At the same time it is wise for us to learn from our mistakes.
 
This is how and why men and women are helped greatly in their communication skills when they learn that as Martians and Venusians they speak and think differently. Those communication gaps help to create communication gaffs in which no offense was meant, but offense was taken.
 
When a man doesn't have the information to understand how what he said created a problem, he thinks something is wrong with his partner for feeling hurt. After making a series of small, basically innocent mistakes he stops caring about correcting his actions and bigger problems start to emerge from small missteps.
 
In a similar fashion a woman can become frustrated with her partner and she will start to close down in her desire to reach out to him, doubting that she can ever get what she wants from the relationship.
 
Here's a simple example: A man comes home and his wife doesn't seem to appreciate him, so he stops caring as much about doing all the little things he did in the early stages of their relationship.
 
His lack of interest in doing for her encourages her disinterest in him. The warm feelings they felt for each other notably diminish and the relationship starts to feel more like a burden than a blessing.
 
A second example: Both partners come home after a long day, and she says, "Do you want to go out for dinner?" He responds by saying, "Let's just stay in and have leftovers." She may take that to mean, "You are no longer special to me and I don't care if you want to go out or not."
 
For the average male her reaction is a mystery. On Mars you don't suggest or ask, you declare. If she had said, "I don't want to eat at home, let's go out," that he would have heard the real message. But she didn't say that, and he did not understand what she really meant. That night when he attempts to get close, she rejects his overtures and his heart closes a little more in all his feelings towards her.
 
As we said at the start, it's most often the small stuff. Like the beat of a drum, the small misunderstandings keep going, all too often to the wrong rhythm. The lack of warm loving feelings between partners leads to an increasing air of tension that intensifies with each misstep. Now solving the inevitable big problems that arise in shared lives becomes increasingly difficult.
 
Much of the success of the Mars Venus message comes from giving couples the tools to cure this essential breakdown in communication.
 
Dozens and dozens of small wounds add up over time to hurts that are often too large to heal. At the root of the problem is an inability to clearly communicate with words that express not just our thoughts, but more importantly, our true feelings.
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God bless your marriage and family.
 
Jim Stephens
 

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