Benefits Of Praying For Your Spouse
By Julie Baumgardner
This research was presented at The Coalition for Couples, Families and Marriage Education at its 2009 annual international conference.
The presenter was Frank Fincham, Director of the Florida State University Family Institute, and his colleagues on the power of prayer in marriage.
If you are a person of faith you probably believe prayer has an impact on your marriage, but can you prove it?
What we know based on research is this: More than 90 percent of Americans experience marriage by age 55 and 90 percent of Americans say they pray at least occasionally. A whopping three-quarters of them say they pray at least weekly.
Mr. Fincham wondered about the impact of prayer on marriage.
"We recruited people to participate in a four-week study where they were randomly assigned to either pray for their partner, engage in general prayer or set aside time to think about the positive things in life and about their partner," Mr. Fincham said at the conference. "Twice a week, they were asked to record online what they had done."
Mr. Fincham's research showed that those who prayed for their partner showed a greater willingness to forgive their partner for a transgression, and other surveys of couples married 25 years or longer found that forgiveness was one of the top three most important characteristics of their relationship that allowed them to stay married.
"Based on our research, prayer clearly impacts marriage relationships in a positive way," Mr. Fincham said.
"Our next question was whether or not prayer can protect a marriage partner from risk factors? Specifically, does talking to God make college students less inclined to drink?"
To answer this question, researchers took a group of college students and randomly assigned them to either keep a daily journal or pray for their partners. For those students who prayed, their partner's alcohol consumption was reduced by 50 percent. Lest you wonder if this was a one-time outcome, the study has been replicated.
Mr. Fincham and his group knew this was an important finding because alcohol is associated with bad things in relationships, including intimate partner violence and unfaithfulness. They even found that college students who were in committed dating relationships who prayed for their partner saw a decrease in infidelity.
But what about marriage?
It is basically inevitable that conflict will occur when two people come together in marriage. Initially, the couple is focused on shared goals, such as building a life together, but as time goes by, those goals may fall to the wayside as individual opportunities arise for each person, creating stress on the relationship.
Focusing on being grateful is one way to relieve that stress, and studies similar to Mr. Fincham's have shown that prayer increases gratitude. Mr. Fincham noted that being more grateful in life is associated with better mental health and better mental health is associated with better relationships.
"Our research shows that praying for your partner can bring you back to the common goals," Mr. Fincham said. "When people pray, they become one with their spouse. A subtle shift occurs. Praying regulates your emotion and it never leads to anger. 'Knee-mail' is social support available 24/7. We know that couples who have access to social support tend to negotiate their relationship affairs better than anyone else."
Incorporating prayer for your spouse into your life can be done in small steps. Start by taking a few minutes to focus on the things you like about your spouse, ask for help in relating to him or her, and be specific about what you would like to see happen in your relationship.
Be willing to forgive and to realize your need for forgiveness.
Try praying together and watch what happens in response. You just might be surprised.
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* Julie Baumgardner is the Executive Director of First Things First, an organization dedicated to strengthening marriages and families through education, collaboration and mobilization. Send e-mail to julieb@firstthings.org.
