Talking About Problems Increases Oxytocin

By John Gray

An understanding of oxytocin-producing behaviors can completely change the way a man interprets a woman's behaviors. For example, when a woman complains she is not getting enough support, or feels the need to talk about the problems in her life, it does not mean she does not appreciate what her partner does.

Instead, her behavior may be an indication that she is attempting to cope with stress by increasing her oxytocin levels.

Most men are not aware that talking and sharing can increase oxytocin levels to help a woman cope with stress.

Without understanding this biological drive, a man mistakenly assumes that a woman is looking for a solution from him. He interrupts her to give his solutions. He does so because solving problems is one of his ways to make himself feel better when he is stressed. He thinks it will help her, too.

Solving problems raises his testosterone levels but does little for her oxytocin. Once a man understands that simply listening to his partner is enough to make her feel better, his testosterone levels go up as well, because he knows that he is actually solving a problem.

This examination of the biological basis for the way men and women deal with stress sheds light on why Mars and Venus sometimes collide. Social conditioning, parental example, and education can have a significant effect on how men and women interact and respond to each other, but how we react to stress is hardwired in our bodies and brains.

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One suggestion is that the woman can say to the man, "You don't have to do or say anything, please just listen and I'll feel better."  --- Jim