You Make No Sense - Part 2
 
By Dr. Dave Currie, with Glen Hoos
 
Do you ever feel like you and your spouse are working against each other? Men, do you struggle with talking with your wife to the point that you feel she's speaking a foreign language? Women, do you need a crowbar to get your husband to open up and really talk...about anything?
 
If you are still missing the mark in communicating with your mate, here is suggestion number 2. 
 
Risk Going Deeper 
 
If we want to truly understand another person, we need to take the time and the risk to communicate at a meaningful level.

 

It starts gradually and progresses to more intimate, heartfelt discussion. You see, there are several levels of communication, and all have their place. 
 
  · Cliché: When we communicate in clichés, we really aren't sharing anything of ourselves. It's all on the surface, like "Nice day, isn't it?" or "How about those Yankees!" It's easy to communicate at this level because there's no risk involved. We aren't personally invested in the conversation. 
 
  · Fact: When we are dealing in facts, we are sharing what we know. We stick to surface details without passing judgment on them. For example, when our spouse asks us how our day was, we might say, "I spent all day in meetings," offering nothing more. It's a comfortable kind of conversation because, again, we are not sharing anything personal about ourselves. 
 
  · Opinion: When we offer up an opinion, we move beyond the facts and share what we think about those facts. The level of personal vulnerability increases a bit. Instead of just saying, "I spent all day in meetings," we might say, "I spent all day in meetings. I think we should've been able to finish in an hour, but we kind of went around in circles." 
 
  · Emotion: When we move from facts, to thoughts, to feelings, we really begin sharing something of ourselves. The risk increases, but so does the emotional connection with the other person as we allow them a glimpse at what is going on inside us. For example, "I spent all day in meetings. It was really frustrating, because I suggested a good solution early in the day, and it took six hours of discussion for my boss to agree to my plan. We could have been done in an hour!" 
 
  · Transparency: Full transparency is the riskiest level of communication, because it's here that our heart is laid bare for another to see. We fear sharing at this depth because there is a chance we will be rejected when the person sees us for who we really are. For example, "Today was really difficult. I don't feel like my boss really values my contributions or trusts that I can get the job done. I think it's starting to rub off on me, because I find myself feeling inadequate." 
 
The deeper we go, the more intimate the relationship becomes. A good marriage is one in which the couple is continuously growing in transparent disclosure. 
 
We need to seek to understand our spouse to their core. Rather than growing complacent or trying to fit them into your own mould, we need to put in the effort to get to their heart. 
 
Just listen and let them express who they are. As you get to know their heart, you'll likely grow in your desire to be with them.

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