How NOT To Deal With A Woman In Stress

By John Gray

Men often make the mistake of assuming that helping a woman solve her problems will make her feel better.

It works for him, but does not work for her.

More testosterone, which comes from solving problems, does nothing to lower a woman's stress levels. What a man can do to help is assist her in creating more oxytocin.

Without insight into the difference between the sexes, men make things worse by trying to solve a woman's problems or shorten her to-do list.

Here is a typical conversation you have probably had yourself:

"I feel so overwhelmed," she says.

"Why, what's the problem?" he asks.

"I have so much to do," she responds with tension in her voice.

"Don't worry about it." He tries to calm her down. "Just relax. Let's watch TV"

"I can't watch TV," she snaps. "I still have to make dinner, pay the bills, cancel my doctor appointment because of that last-minute meeting my boss scheduled. I want to run a load of wash, and I still haven't mailed out my thank-you notes. I can't find anything on my desk in the den - it's such a mess. And I almost forgot that I promised to write up the invitations for the school play." She sighs. "I am so behind. I have no time for TV"

"Forget dinner," he says in an attempt to help her reduce her list. "I can just pick up some burritos."

"You just don't understand," she responds. "I have too much to do."

"That's ridiculous," he says, dismissing what she is feeling. "You don't have to do anything!"

"Yes, I do," she replies, frustrated. "You just don't get it!"

Instead of helping his partner, this man's casual response and attempt to make her look at the situation from a different perspective leaves her feeling more stressed, and misunderstood as well.

And he feels defeated as a result of this exchange. After a few years, he won't even bother to try to help, because it seems that nothing he does works. She will eventually stop expressing her feelings to him, because he doesn't understand what she needs to relieve her stress.

After a few years of listening to the same things, a man doesn't even listen or bother to help.

Men are providers, and they are always prioritizing what they must do and how much energy they have so that first things get done first. Their single-task focus comes into play. This difference prevents men from becoming overwhelmed as women do, but it can also prevent them from being able to understand what a woman is going through.