Taking Time Out To Avoid Fighting

By John Gray

Talking can sometimes be the answer, but sometimes not talking is more effective.

When tension arises between men and women, one of the most important skills is to take time out.

When a fight starts, men should usually take the initiative to walk away. His hormones are already designed for flight or fight. Under stress, a woman is designed to talk more. When tension begins to build and voices are raised, the best choice is to postpone having the conversation until both people have a chance to calm down and feel good again.

During a time-out, he should do something he loves, and she should talk with someone other than her partner. This is very important.

Sometimes when men walk away, women will follow and continue to ask questions. This only makes matters worse. A man should not under any circumstances answer these questions. He should simply walk away. If he needs to say something, he should only repeat what he said to initiate the time-out.

To repeat, during a time-out, a woman should find someone other than her partner to talk with.

To begin a time-out, all a man or woman has to do is say one polite, non-inflammatory sentence, stop talking, and walk away. Get out of the same room. The tension will automatically begin to subside.

The following chart contains some dos and don'ts for calling a time-out.

HOW TO DECLARE A TIME-OUT

WHAT NOT TO SAY is printed first and in red letters.

WHAT TO SAY instead is printed second in green letters.

"You are being irrational. I can't talk with you."

"You have a right to be upset. Let me think about what you have said, and then let's talk more about this."

"This is a complete waste of my time. I can't talk with you."

"What you say is important to me. I need some time to think about this, and then we can talk. "

"I can't take this anymore. You are so stubborn."

"I want to talk about this, and I need more time to think about it. Let ' s talk more about this later."

"You don't hear a word I say. Nobody can talk with you."

"You are right. Let me think about this, and then let ' s talk more about this."

"I am out of here. I will not take this kind of abuse."

"I can appreciate what you are saying. I need some time to think about my response. Let's talk more about this later."

"I feel so hurt that you would say that. I can't believe this. I have nothing more to say to you."

"You are being mean. I need some time to think about this, and then we can talk."

Once you have called a time-out, if your partner follows and continues to ask questions as you leave the room, you should be strong and only repeat, "I need some time to think about this, and then we can talk."

Most women don't recognize the importance of taking a time-out, but greatly appreciate it after a few times. Since she is not from Mars, how can she know when her feelings are pushing him over the edge, enraging him and making him aggressive?

But ultimately, it is not her responsibility to protect him. He needs to protect her and their relationship. By taking a time-out, he is protecting her from the warrior within whose only alternative to flight is to fight.