Men and Shopping
By John Gray
A man's need for space and a woman's need for time show up very clearly in our different approaches to shopping.
Shopping, particularly for shoes and all other accessories, often lowers a woman's stress levels.
Look in a woman's closet, and you will find rows of shoes in a variety of colors for every season, mood, or outfit. His colors for this season and every season are black and shades of brown.
Watch a man in a mall, shopping with his wife. He is dragging along, hoping the event will finally be over, looking for a bench while his partner is happily strolling, smiling, looking from left to right, taking in everything, exploring all the new fashions and discovering what is new that might decorate her house or support her children, a family member, or a friend. All these activities stimulate the production of oxytocin.
Though this lowers her stress levels, it does nothing for him. Unless he comes across a Starbucks or a Victoria's Secret soon, he may die on the spot.
Men do shop on their own, and enjoy it. Men can obsess about cars, electronics, and gadgets. The difference is that men shop in ways that stimulate testosterone. A man needs to have a clear destination or goal. Knowing where he is going and the desired outcome is very important to him. He wants to get in and out as quickly as possible. He is a man on a mission.
Sometimes men cope with stress by going out and spending money. Doing so increases testosterone because the ability to spend money is often a sign of competence and power. A woman benefits in a different way. She can use shopping to cope with stress, because it can be a nurturing activity. As long as she has time to shop, nurturing herself can be just as oxytocin-producing as nurturing others. By taking the time to shop, she can gradually get out of the mode of thinking about others and begin to think about her own wishes and needs.
Women are by far the biggest consumers, responsible for more than 70 percent of all purchases. They like to save money, but they also like to spend it. Some women become offended when I mention the importance of shopping as a stress reliever. Even for these women, shopping can be a great oxytocin therapy. For shopping to be a stress-reducing activity, they need to make time for it and go with a more experienced friend who completely enjoys it.
Since women are designed for nurturing, they can have trouble considering their own needs. The visual stimulation of so many things to buy gradually increases her desire for more, and that can then help her to feel her own needs as a priority again.
Not finding what she is looking for does not produce stress for a woman, because she now has reason to go shopping again. When a man shops, he is on a hunt. He wants to get in and then out. When a woman shops, it is as much hit as it is miss. She is simply gathering what is available. She can always return later to buy something on sale or when it is in season. Even our shopping habits reflect our prehistoric roles as hunter-gatherers.
The more we understand our differences, the easier it is for men and women to get along and reduce the friction between us. Instead of expecting our partners to think the way we do, we are able to consider what is best for them. This is a never-ending process.
