The Consumer Culture Programs Us To Think Individualistically
By Hara Estroff Marano for Psychology Today
The History of Marriage
Marriage probably evolved as the best way to pool the labor of men and women to enable families to subsist and assure that children survive to independence-and data indicate it still is.
But beyond the basics, the purpose of marriage has shifted constantly, says Stephanie Coontz, a historian at Washington's Evergreen State College. It helps to remember that marriage evolved in an atmosphere of scarcity, the conditions that prevailed for almost all of human history.
"The earliest purpose of marriage was to make strategic alliances with other people, to turn strangers into relatives," says Coontz. "As society became more differentiated, marriage became a major mechanism for adjusting your position."
It wasn't until the 18th century that anyone thought that love might have anything to do with marriage, but love was held in check by a sense of duty.
Even through the 19th century, the belief prevailed that females and males had different natures and couldn't be expected to understand each other well.
Only in the 20th century did the idea take hold that men and women should be companions, that they should be passionate, and that both should get sexual and personal fulfillment from marriage.
We're still trying to figure out how to do that-and get the laundry done, too. The hassles of a negotiated and constantly renegotiated relationship-few wish a return to inequality-assure a ready source of stress or disappointment or both.
Programmed by the Consumer Culture to Think of MY Needs
Our mind-set has further shifted over the past few decades, experts suggest. Today, the minute one partner is faced with dissatisfaction-feeling stressed-out or neglected, having a partner who isn't overly expressive or who works too hard or doesn't initiate sex very often-then the communal ideal we bring to relationships is jettisoned and an individualistic mentality asserts itself. We revert to a stingier self that has been programmed into us by the consumer culture, which has only become increasingly pervasive, the current recession notwithstanding.
Psychologically, the goal of life becomes MY happiness.
"The minute your needs are not being met then you appropriate the individualistic norm," says William Doherty, professor of family sciences at the University of Minnesota. This accelerating consumer mind-set is a major portal through which destructive forces gain entry and undermine conjoint life.
"Marriage is for me" is the way Austin, Texas, family therapist Pat Love puts it. "It's for meeting my needs." It's not about what I do, but how it makes me feel.
Such beliefs lead to a sense of entitlement: "I deserve better than I'm getting."
Doherty sees that as the basic message of almost every advertisement in the consumer culture. You deserve more and we can provide it.
You begin to think: This isn't the deal I signed up for. Or you begin to feel that you're putting into this a lot more than you're getting out. "We believe in our inalienable right to the intimate relationships of our choice," says Doherty.
In allowing such free-market values to seep into our private lives, we come to believe that a partner's job is, above all, to provide pleasure.
"People do not go into relationships because they want to learn how to negotiate and master difficulties," observes Brown University psychiatrist Scott Haltzman. "They want the other person to provide pleasure."
It's partner as service provider. The pleasure bond, unfortunately, is as volatile as the emotions that underlie it and as hollow and fragile as the hedonic sense of happiness.
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