Things I Wish I Knew Before We Got Married - Part 1

By Gary Chapman

For a number of years, I have wanted to write a book on preparation for marriage. I really believe that if we can help couples prepare for marriage, then they can be more successful. Let's face it most people spend far more time preparing for their vocation than preparing for their marriage. Perhaps that's why they are more successful in their vocations than in their marriages.

Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married is my attempt to help couples get ready for marriage. I looked back on my own life and asked, "What do I know now that I wish I had known then?" I think if someone had told me these things, my marriage would have been much easier. I hope you'll learn from my mistakes.

Euphoric Feelings

Would it surprise you if I told you that "being in-love is not an adequate foundation for marriage?" It is highly possible to 'fall in love' with someone you should not marry.

Many couples believe that if they are 'in love' then they will always be 'in love'. The reality is that the 'in love euphoria' lasts for an average of two years.

That's why many couples stop dating after two years. They have lost the feelings so why keep dating. In fact, they may have much in common, and be very suited for each other, but because they believe that they must retain those 'in love' feelings they give up on the relationship.

Parental Patterns

Have you ever heard this saying, "Like Mother like daughter." and "Like Father like son?" There's some truth is both of those statements. We are greatly influenced by our moms and dads.

If you are seriously dating someone, I encourage you to spend time with his or her parents. What you see in his dad is likely what you will see in him ten years from now.

Does that mean we are destined to be like our parents? No, but it does mean that if we want to be different, now is the time to work on it.

Let's identify the strengths and weaknesses of our parents before we get married and then ask: What do I want to change? And, what steps can I take to make sure I don't duplicate the things I dislike?

Disagreements

One of the things I wish I'd known is how to solve disagreements without arguing.

Karolyn and I had no plan for handling conflicts. So, we spent a lot of time arguing. Arguments always lead down hill. Conflicts are not a sign you have married the wrong person. They simply affirm that you are human.

The key to solving disagreements is to become an empathetic listener. Try to see the world through the other person's eyes. Respect their thoughts and feelings even if you don't agree. "I think I can understand what you are saying, and it makes a lot of sense." Now, you are not an enemy but a friend who understands. Now you can look for a solution that will be good for both of you.

Apologies

After spending a lifetime counseling other couples, I am convinced that there are no healthy marriages without apology and forgiveness. Apologizing is a sign of maturity. And, forgiveness is a godly response to a sincere apology.

However, what one person considers an apology is not what another person considers an apology. He says, "I'm Sorry," and she is thinking, "You certainly are. Is there anything else you would like to say?" He thinks he has apologized and she is waiting for him to apologize. I have discovered that there are five ways in which people apologize in this country. Learning the apology language of the other person can make it much easier for them to forgive you.