When She Needs His Attention, But He Needs Some Space
 
By John Gray
 
Ah, the good life - your man is attentive, loving and having fun with you and the kids. You are as happy as you can remember being in recent times. You cook special dinners and cuddle while watching television. Life is spectacular and you are so in love. This scenario plays for several weeks, until one night your guy stays up late to watch a movie and makes it clear that he would rather be alone than in bed with you.
 
What happened? How can he just pull away and leave you feeling hurt and abandoned when life is rolling along so smoothly?
 
Men are like rubber bands. After a lot of communication and interaction they become exhausted with it and want to get away and go in their "cave" for a while. They want to be alone. After a while they will come bouncing back with new energy.
 
Women, however, after lots of communication and interaction are just getting revved up. They want to keep going for more. However, if something happens, they can emotionally come crashing down like a wave.
 
When a man needs to pull away into his cave and a woman's wave begins to crash, Martian and Venusian communication can become strained. Past wounds come up, feelings get hurt, and fighting is common.
 
In the previous example, a man's logic would say, "I have been so wonderful for a few weeks that now I deserve some time off. I have been giving to you all this time, now it's time for me." 
 
But at the same time, a woman's logic would be very different: "These past weeks have been fantastic. I have been so open with you; losing your loving attention right now is more painful than ever."
 
When a man needs to pull away and a woman needs to talk, the worst thing he can do is try to listen. This will only make matters worse, and, after a short time he either will be judging her and possibly explode with anger, or he will become increasingly tired and distracted and she will become more upset. Men have limits and once they reach them, they are not much good for communicating. Women would be well advised to recognize this.
 
What should a man do when he is not capable of listening attentively with caring, understanding, and respect? The following steps can support her when he needs to pull away:
 
  · Accept your limitations 
 
The first thing a man can do is to accept that he needs to pull away and has nothing to give. No matter how loving he wants to be, he cannot listen attentively right now.
 
  · Understand her pain 
 
She needs more than you can give at this moment. Her pain is valid. Do not make her wrong for needing more. It hurts a woman to be abandoned when she needs your love. You are not wrong for needing space, and she is not wrong for wanting to be close. She can be more trusting and forgiving if you are caring and understanding of her hurt.
 
  · Avoid arguing and give reassurance 
 
By understanding her hurt, you won't make her wrong for being upset and in pain. You're not able to give the support that she wants, but at least you will not make it worse by starting an argument. Reassure her that you will be back and when you are, then you will be able to give her the love and support that she needs.
 
There is nothing wrong with a man's need to be alone. Likewise, there is nothing wrong with a woman's hurt feelings. These are scientifically valid differences.
 
When a man can't listen to a woman's hurt feelings because he needs to pull away, he can take a time out. He can tactfully excuse himself to go spend time alone. This is a much better alternative to arguing and diminishing her feelings.
 
A woman will respect a man for responding in this way, even though she may not particularly like the response. At least she gets the best that her partner is able to give at the time, and she will benefit from getting his full support when he truly can give it.
 
Timing is very important in this situation. Remember, if a man needs to pull away like a rubber band, he will return with a lot more love. A woman should not altogether give up on initiating conversation; however, it is better to look for the times when he can really listen.
 
To feel the positive emotions of love, we must also periodically feel the negative ones. A woman goes down into her well to heal these negative emotions. A man goes into his cave to silently feel and process his negative feeling. By understanding that a woman has a right to be upset and a man has the right to have space, they can truly support each other in being happy.

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