Your Marriage Needs Apologies
 
by Dr. Gary Chapman
 
Sometimes we hurt people and don't realize it. Good marriages are improved when we can express regret even when we didn't intend to hurt them.
 
If you bump someone getting off an elevator, you probably say, "I'm sorry." Why would you not do that with your spouse? 
 
We care about our spouse's feelings much more than some stranger, sometimes we take our spouses for granted too much. We think that they'll always love us and they know automatically that we didn't mean it and we're sorry.
 
Rehearse these words and see how they taste. If they don't flow easily, you might have a problem you need to look at.
 
"I'm sorry that my behavior caused you so much pain. I didn't intend to hurt you, but I know I did. I feel badly about it, and I hope you will forgive me."
 
Sincere apologies make it easier for your husband or wife to forgive you. You don't have to be perfect to have a good marriage (who is?). But you must deal with your failures. "I'm sorry" is a key ingredient to a loving marriage.
 
No Buts....
 
"I'm sorry, but if you had not provoked me, I would not have lost my temper." That is not an apology. It is blaming your spouse for your poor behavior.
 
Sincere regret needs to stand alone. It should not be followed with "But..." 
 
How about you?  When you say, "I'm sorry," do you use the word but? If so, then you're not apologizing. You are blaming. You are creating resentment inside your spouse. They have a hard time forgiving you because in their mind you are not apologizing.
 
In the future, try eliminating the "buts".  
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