Daily Tips from The Marriage Library
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Attributes of a Controlling Spouse 
 
By Gary Chapman
 
Summary of this article
 
Here is a good description of a controlling spouse and a good suggestion what to try to do about it.
 
Jim 
Attributes of a Controlling Spouse
 
By Gary Chapman
 
Attributes of a Controlling Spouse
 
Controllers have a dominant personality and therefore seek to dominate their spouses. They are not mean spirited, but they are determined. The positive side of a controlling personality is that these people get things done. They take charge, solve problems, and make decisions.
 
The controller will rarely ask for the advice of their spouse. And, if they do, they seldom take it seriously. They know what is best and if you will just listen, they will explain it to you "one more time." They say things like "any sane person will agree with me."
 
It is not a far stretch to see why the spouse of a controller often feels like a child ... that their thoughts, ideas, and feelings are unimportant or illogical.
 
If your spouse has a strongly controlling personality, my guess is that you do not have an intimate marriage. Controllers often 'steam roll' their spouses in order to get things done. The spouse ends up with resentment and either fights back or withdraws in silent suffering. Neither of these approaches improves the situation.  
 
A Solution: Agree to Disagree
 
So, what are you to do if you are married to a controller? Some people capitulate. They give up and find their fulfillment in the children, or their work, and simply accept a poor marriage.
 
However, I think it is far more rewarding to 'stand up'. I don't mean to argue, I mean you agree with the controllers intentions, but don't yield to their demands. Your attitude is, "I love you too much to let you treat me like a child."
 
I want to suggest that you try influencing your spouse by agreement. By which I mean you agree with their arguments, but don't accept their conclusions. A wife might say, "Honey, I know that we are saving money by not using the dryer, but I don't have time to hang the clothes in the basement. If you want to do that, fine, but I'm going to use the dryer."
 
Arguing and fighting with a controlling spouse won't get you very far. You'll never win an argument with a controller; you'll only prolong the battle.
 
A much more positive result will emerge from a kind, but firm refusal to be controlled. Take responsibility for your own attitude.
 
Remember, you can't change a controlling spouse, but you can influence them through your responses to their behavior.
_________________________________________________ 
 
God bless your marriage and family.
 
Jim Stephens
 

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