Exclusive Entanglement - Part 1
By Dr. Dave Currie, with Glen Hoos
I have two clematis vines along my front walkway. As they climb up the posts they weave together, intertwining so thoroughly that it becomes impossible to distinguish them from one another. I am constantly cutting them back. It's hard work, because once you've allowed the vines to grow together for awhile, it becomes one solid bit of growth to cut through. In fact, as they overlap, they actually start growing together - becoming one. The vines just grab on to each other, and the whole interconnection becomes incredibly strong.
Then there are the blackberry bushes that we enjoy in our area so much each summer, especially when they line the fairways of a golf course. The fruit is so good, but the thorns... oh my. Talk about impenetrable. With long, sharp barbs every inch or two along each branch, these blackberries create a thicket. When a rabbit or other small animal wants safety, he need only duck underneath the thicket, where no predator will dare poke his nose. If your golf ball goes in here (of course I've never experienced this), forget about it. The blackberries create a hedge of protection to protect whatever is underneath or inside them.
Together, the clematis vine and the blackberry bush form a powerful metaphor for what marriage at its best should be. When a couple cultivates exclusive entanglement, they will become strong and intertwined like the clematis, while creating a blackberry-like hedge of protection that repels all outside threats.
In a world that knows a lot more about outside entanglements (like affairs, chat rooms and porn), what does exclusive entanglement look like? Let's break down the concept.
To be exclusive is to be unique to one; faithful to one; loyal to one. It means that when a person says "I do," it really is until death do us part. There is a sense of faithfulness to the core.
Entanglement, meanwhile, involves the ongoing interconnectedness of two lives. People today value independence, but entanglement entails interdependence: a deep reliance on the other person. It is continuing to reengage in a deliberate, intentional way.
Marriage should be the process of growing towards ever-increasing exclusive entanglement - a process that includes four key elements:
Interlocking Wills (below)
Interconnected Lives (below)
Interwoven Passions (tomorrow)
Intertwined Hearts (tomorrow)
Interlocking Wills
Marriage starts with a commitment: a promise to be exclusive to one person for life. Far beyond a one-time vow, it's a decision that has to be affirmed in the way we live each day. It is interlocking in the sense that the couple is locked up tight, bound together by their commitment to one another. They have chosen to submit themselves to an iron-clad covenant, and the key has been thrown away. They are in it for life.
It's about faithfulness, not just in body but in spirit as well.
Remember, your commitment is seen not in what you feel like doing or intend to do; it comes out in what you actually end up doing. That means giving your spouse the security of knowing that you will be faithful for life - a security that grows as you protect your marriage by establishing boundaries to guard against anything that could compromise your commitment. When husband and wife both live this out, the interlocking of their wills creates a firm foundation for a marriage that will stand the test of time.
Interconnected Lives
I often hear couples lament that they feel as though they are living separate lives. They may be living under the same roof, but they're like two ships passing in the night. It's tragic, because none of us gets married to live alone. We want someone to do life with - someone that will experience the ups and downs of life right alongside us; someone to share our history.
This is where companionship becomes so important. A good marriage relationship is built through time spent together - not just working together on household projects, or driving, or watching the kids in their sports, but actually having fun together. You need regular time alone to date, talk, flirt, and grow in love. If you're too busy for regular date nights, you're too busy. Life is too short to cut out the fun and laughter. Make the time, and enjoy becoming increasingly entangled with one another.
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Dr. Dave Currie is the host of the TV show Marriage Uncensored with Dave and Christie. He and his wife Donalyn live in Abbotsford, BC.
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