Exclusive Entanglement - Part 2
By Dr. Dave Currie, with Glen Hoos
Yesterday we talked about the metaphors of the clematis vine and the blackberry bush as images of marriage at its best. When a couple cultivates exclusive entanglement, they will become strong and intertwined like the clematis, while creating a blackberry-like hedge of protection that repels all outside threats.
What does exclusive entanglement look like?
To be exclusive is to be unique to one; faithful to one; loyal to one. Entanglement involves the ongoing interconnectedness of two lives. It is continuing to reengage in a deliberate, intentional way.
Marriage should be the process of growing towards ever-increasing exclusive entanglement - a process that includes four key elements:
Interlocking Wills (yesterday)
Interconnected Lives (yesterday)
Interwoven Passions (below)
Intertwined Hearts (below)
Interwoven Passions
Sexual connection is a powerful glue that bonds a couple together. It doesn't just start in the bedroom though. For true passion to develop, sexual love must be preceded by emotional gestures of love: intentional thoughtfulness, clear acts of kindness and planned moments of romance that say to the other person, "You matter to me." It includes things like cards, notes phone calls, teasing and flirting. Putting in the time and effort to do things to make your spouse feel loved creates a context where passion can grow, opening the door to complete sexual celebration.
Couples must be committed to grow in their sexual journey: to talk freely, to work through issues as they arise, and to gain new freedoms. Every marriage goes through stages, and each new stage brings with it the need for new understandings so new plateaus can be reached with regard to sexual fulfillment. At least every two-to-three years or so there has to be a reassessment of what healthy sexual interaction looks like. How is it going in the bedroom? You've got to be open, willing to share from the heart your changing sexual needs and expectations.
By the way, give yourself a break during those busy years when your kids are toddlers, right through to the middle teen years. You're tired and under a lot of pressure, so not every sexual encounter is going to be a homerun. Just stay committed to growing together and keep engaging. Your perpetual sexual interaction will create remarkable strength at the core of your marriage.
Intertwined Hearts
Love is much more than just a feeling. It's a choice to respond to another person in a way that is love. That being said, there is nothing like the connection that comes when you and your spouse are truly of one heart.
It starts with communicating to your spouse that you love them enough to want to know them fully. By your words, attitudes and actions you've got to convey a desire to understand them in their innermost being; to feel what they feel. It's about becoming soulmates, in the best sense of the term.
Getting to this point requires that you ask probing questions of one another and really listen to the answers. In most relationships there is one partner that likes to talk a lot more than the other. The talker in particular needs to be patient to let their spouse develop and share their thoughts. As this sharing continues the relationship deepens, trust builds, and intimacy reaches new heights.
When two people's hearts become fully intertwined, it creates a position of safety. Each of us should be a safe harbor for our spouse - a place where they are able to be most fully themselves, completely vulnerable, without fear of judgment or condemnation. It means having an unconditionally positive regard for them, always assuming the best about them. It spills over in encouragement - no one should be a bigger fan of your husband or wife than you.
For years my wife and I have said that the two primary needs in marriage are support for the man and sensitivity for the woman. What a woman wants is for her man to grow to be sensitive to her, to really show gestures of loving tenderness. On the other hand, what a man needs is a sense that his wife respects him. To a man, respect is love. As you focus on providing these two primary things, support and sensitivity, it will go a long way towards binding your hearts together.
When you and your spouse align your wills, your lives, your passions and your hearts, it will create an exclusive entanglement from the inside out - an entanglement as strong as the clematis and as protective as the blackberry bush.
You will never regret making the effort to build this kind of a marriage.
_________________________________________________
Dr. Dave Currie is the host of the TV show Marriage Uncensored with Dave and Christie. He and his wife Donalyn live in Abbotsford, BC.
Click here 
