Anger Won't Get You to the Truth
 
By Mark Gungor
 
When a couple is seriously locked in a battle and the adrenaline is surging, odds are they are not going to solve the problem and usually one or both will say mean and hurtful things that they will come to regret later. And as I said, these words can be very damaging. 
 
My experience has been that many women will take one phrase that their husbands have said in the heat of the battle and rehearse it, hold on to it, and become convinced that "it's how he really feels deep down inside or else he wouldn't have said it." 
 
I've had women over and over say to me, "He said such and such..." and she is so hurt and upset over it that in some cases it actually leads to divorce.
 
People will quote the scripture: Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. (Matt. 12:34 NKJ) But that is not what this really is. Words thrown out in the battle are not out of the heart, they are out of the anger. Think about it, if it's something they would never normally say and it pops out in anger, it's not what they really think. Honestly, if deep down inside they actually thought it, surely they would have said it before. 
 
Under normal circumstances we men say what we mean. We don't go around hiding things and then spew it out in an angry argument and now the "real truth" has been exposed.
 
True, we can all say some really mean things in the heat of it all, but we don't usually mean what we say when provoked to wrath! 
 
It seems that women believe the opposite-"Ah ha! Now you have finally spoken the truth!" But if anger brings out the truth, and we know that God is for the truth, then one could argue that we should go around inciting the wrath of man (or woman) in order to bring forth the righteousness of God.
 
Such is not the case because scripture tells us in the first chapter of James ...for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God. (KJV) So when a woman is in the middle of an argument with her husband and it keeps getting ratcheted up and up until he finally loses it and says something mean or hurtful, it doesn't mean that she's finally gotten to the real truth. 
 
All she's really done is witnessed the guy having gone into "battle mode" where for men, that means you look to wound and hurt the other person. Men are created to be warriors and when a warrior is in combat, he looks for the most vulnerable place and attacks there. 
 
For example, if I am taking on another dude in a tennis match, what do I do to win? I watch him and look for his weaknesses. Say it's a back hand in the far left corner that he is having trouble returning. Guess where I am going to hit the ball? I'll play to his most vulnerable place because I want to beat him and destroy him. The same thing can happen in an argument. Ladies, you have to understand that you will not get to the truth in a time of flat out battle mode. 
 
Some wives will actually discount everything a man says and does day in and day out, based on one thing the guy said when he was really hacked off in an argument. They think that somehow that one phrase tells her what he really thinks and who he really is. That's just not the case.
 
What both men and women have to realize is that while a man thinks "hurt and win," a woman thinks "get to the truth." You can still hash stuff out and deal with the conflict, but women, you can't keep pushing and poking and prodding all the while increasing the level of anger. When an issue escalates and it gets totally angry and insane, both of you need to back off.
 
Men have to remember this isn't "full on combat" where you fight to win at all costs. Total destruction and annihilation won't get you points with your wife.

 

Women, have to remember that the wrath of man does not work the righteousness of God. Anger won't get you to the truth.

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