The Different Ways Men and Women Communicate - Part 1

by Stephen Martin and Victoria Costello

Although not uniformly present in all couples, gender differences in communication style and content preferences are common enough to wreak havoc in many marriages. It's important to remember that these differences can make communication in marriage more difficult, but on their own they do not cause marital breakdowns. They can also lead to joy and delight if you recognize the differences and appreciate each other for them.

The Way Women Communicate

Research is now proving beyond a shadow of a doubt what you've probably known since you entered adolescence and began paying serious attention to the opposite sex: Men and women tend to talk for different reasons, and the two sexes process information differently.

Scientists have discovered that women really do hear more than men. Just think about the running debates that go on between spouses about the preferred volume of a TV or stereo. Then apply this principle to the tone used by a man and a woman in an argument. Which spouse is more likely to be impacted by a raised voice?

Fact

According to noted marriage researcher John Gottman, PhD, women are the ones who most often bring up difficult topics for discussion with their spouses, in fact 80 percent of the time. Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, notes that this communication dynamic is dominant in the "good" as well as the "bad" marriages he observes in controlled laboratory settings.

Neurologists also say that men see and perceive visual stimuli more clearly than women do. Think about maps and directions as an example. Then apply this principle to your facial expression during a difficult discussion with your husband. What is more likely to create distance: a calm, sympathetic expression or a scowl? An easier example might be how difficult it is for most men to not ogle a shapely female who happens to be walking by.

The implications of biological and neurological differences between men and women in marriage are many and various. Women are more verbally oriented, while men operate and make decisions based more on what they see.

In the realm of couple communication, women are more prone to talk things out, while men typically mull things over - alone.

Women talk as a way of connecting and to relieve anxiety.

A woman also prefers to think out loud, without necessarily looking for an immediate solution to a problem.

Because women are more inclined to communicate when they are upset, a woman's silence often means more than the same behavior from a man. It may signal her alienation, particularly if previous attempts to be heard and understood by a partner have not been satisfying.

Tomorrow: Part 2 - The Way Men Communicate

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God bless your marriage and your family. 

Jim