The Different Ways Men and Women Communicate - Part 3

By Stephen Martin and Victoria Costello

Although not uniformly present in all couples, gender differences in communication style and content preferences are common enough to wreak havoc in many marriages. It's important to remember that these differences can make communication in marriage more difficult, but on their own they do not cause marital breakdowns. They can also lead to joy and delight if you recognize the differences and appreciate each other for them.

When Emotional Needs Differ

Different people have different emotional needs and preferred levels of intimacy in a marital relationship. These needs range from a measure of personal privacy within the relationship to a fairly constant state of emotional and physical connectedness between spouses. This can become a problem if you are married to someone who has very different needs from yours. For example, the person who wants to experience deep connectedness most evenings can become frustrated if her partner does not want to have as many deep conversations about the nature and meaning of their relationship.

Often, the one seeking more emotional intimacy will judge the partner who prefers less frequency and depth of contact as being shallow or less caring about the relationship. This creates tension within the relationship, leaving both partners unsatisfied.

In marriage therapy, the one wanting emotional intimacy often complains that her partner does not love her, which is usually not accurate. What is true is that each has a preference for a different style of relating. Sometimes it comes down to one partner wanting always to communicate her feelings of appreciation and love in words, while the other prefers to do it through his actions. Both are expressing love; it is just done in different ways.

The choice of pronouns in this section is not a coincidence. Typically, the woman wants more emotional communication with words, while the man prefers fewer words. The male often prefers to express his feelings in sexual expression, while the female wants verbal interaction and heart connectedness first, and then sexual expression.

However, it is not always the female who complains about a partner being emotionally distant. Many men have the same complaint about women. On balance though, the male usually prefers less emotional intimacy through conversation, and more emotional intimacy through sexuality.

The issue for couples already married and in a committed relationship is what to do when your emotional needs are different. The first step is to cease making the other wrong for his difference, and stop judging this difference between the two of you as evidence of dysfunction.

Less verbal communication is not necessarily bad, unhealthy, or wrong; it is merely less verbal communication.