How to Ask for a Man's Support

By John Gray

Most men are pitching in more with domestic duties when their wives work outside the home to provide for the family.

For two-career couples, if the man is not helping out enough, the answer is to ask for his help in very specific ways instead of criticizing and rejecting him.

Do not just expect a man to see everything that a woman might think needs to be done, and then to take action. Routine jobs around the house are not urgent in a man's estimation.

One approach that works most of the time is to ask for his help in specific terms.

Men love projects. Projects are specific. They have a beginning and an end. He can determine what he is going to do, how he is going to do it, and most important, when he is going to do it.

Men will often do first what they consider is most important.

When given a project to accomplish, he also senses that his efforts will not be taken for granted. All these ingredients help to give him energy and motivation.

Here are some examples of how a woman can ask for a man's support in specific instead of general terms:

If she is tired that night, she can say, "Would you please make dinner tonight, or pick up some takeout?"

If there are piles of laundry, she can say, "Would you help me fold this laundry tonight?"

If she doesn't feel like cleaning up the kitchen, she can say, "Would you do the dishes tonight, please? I need to take a break."

Or if she wants help with the dishes, instead of just expecting him to pitch in, she can simply say, "Would you bring over the plates?" or "Would you wash the pots and pans tonight? I would really appreciate the help."

If she needs something from the grocery store, instead of doing it herself, she could ask, "Would you please drive to the grocery and pick up these items on this list?"

In each of these examples she is giving him a project that has a beginning and an end.

Men tend to work best on projects rather than in routines.

Men tend to work best on projects rather than in routines, since routines have no clear beginning or end.

When a man is tired, a domestic routine is rarely a priority, as it is for a woman.

Even though he is tired, a project with a definite end point or solution will give him extra energy, particularly if a woman's tone of voice or facial expression while making the request indicates that she will appreciate the result of his actions.

When he does something to help her rather than because she expects or thinks he should do it, he then feels closer to her and is more willing to help out in the future.

This willingness, based on satisfying many of her little requests or projects, actually gives him more energy at home to provide even more support.

Eventually, he will get in the habit of helping more and more.