For Men, Apologize And It's Over. For Women, It's Just Starting

By John Gray

Few rituals confuse men more than the art of the apology and that's because expressing regret on Venus is quite different from making an apology on Mars.

What did he do that required an apology? For men that can be easy. Just pick one.

He forgot to call, showed up late for the date, had one too many beers with a pal watching a game that went into overtime, etc. Men have no trouble getting into trouble with the women that they are pursuing; getting out of trouble, well that's another matter.

So for all those confounded males here's a quick guide to the art of making amends because they are often totally mystified when they have made an apology and it has not been well received.

When one guy says he's sorry to another guy on Mars that's pretty much the end of the matter. On Venus, the words "I apologize," are just the start of a conversation.

When a man says that he is sorry to his girlfriend for some transgression, she will tell him in great detail why he should be sorry. Having lived on Mars all his life he is confused and frustrated by this because he thought the issue ended with his apology.

The difference is that a woman wants to express her feelings; men rarely are interested in doing that. Here's an example: A guy is late showing up at the ballpark and he says to his buddy who has been waiting for thirty minutes, "Sorry the bridge was jammed getting over here." The guy who has been waiting might think his friend should have left earlier but he's not going to say that he's going to shrug and say, "Let's get going or we'll miss the first pitch."

Giving the same explanation to his date, he figures he's off the hook, but he's not. Instead she says, "Well it really made me feel like you don't care how long you keep me waiting." Having not heard a response like this during all his years on Mars, the guy is simply dumbfounded at first.

One important fact that every guy needs to know as he tries to build a relationship with a girl that he cares deeply about is that women talk about their feelings. If he tries to cutoff that conversation it sends this message to her: "Your feelings don't matter to me and I'm not interested."

He's thinking, "I have good reason for being late, so you shouldn't be so upset about this. You should be happy that I made it here at all." That won't win any hearts in the sweepstakes to be her one and only.

Here are three things to do when the time comes to make amends.

1. Say you are sorry. When you do be sure to use the fewest words and avoid giving a rushed explanation, or any explanation at all.

2. Take the time to listen to her response. No one said it would be easy to just listen, but that is the best way for a woman to move beyond her sense of being treated disrespectfully.

3.  Respond with a "Nadjective." In other words use a negative adjective to describe your actions. "I was really inconsiderate." Or, "I was being insensitive." And, "You're right I was being mean."

It may take some getting used to, but nadjectives are important words when just saying, "I'm sorry," will never do.

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God bless your family and your marriage.

Jim Stephens