It's the thought that counts...

By John Gray

Whoever said, "'Tis better to give than it is to receive" must have been the recipient of numerous bad presents. You know - the tie so hideous you'd rather hang yourself with it than wear it; the fuzzy sweater that makes you look like a Wookie; and who could forget the totally inedible, but possibly useful as a weapon, fruitcake.

Well, it's the thought that counts, right? True - but why does it seem when it comes to gifts the overriding thought is, "What were they THINKING?"

Often when we give gifts, we make the mistake of choosing something WE would like to give and not necessarily what the recipient wants to receive.

Our intentions are good - we think, "Hmmm, Bob doesn't have any nice sweaters. That's what I'll get him!" But the reason Bob doesn't have any nice sweaters is that he doesn't WEAR sweaters.

Similarly, Bob sees a nifty electronic gadget and thinks, "How cool is that! I'm going to get that for Mary." He thinks he's giving her a really neat gift, but what she really wanted was a nice sweater!

The art of gift giving is directly related to the Mars-Venus concept that men and women have different emotional primary needs. Men need trust, acceptance and appreciation while women require caring, understanding and respect.

Again, we often make the mistake of giving our partner what we would like to receive instead of what they actually want or need.

For example, Bob comes home from work after a really bad day. He just wants to kick back and play some computer games in his cave - also known as the "den." Mary knows that when she's had a bad day, it helps HER to talk about it. But Bob doesn't want to talk. He wants space - and that's OK, just like he didn't want a sweater.

Conversely, after a bad day for Mary, Bob thinks, "I'll just give her some space." But that's not what Mary wants at all - she wants to talk and share - or the emotional equivalent of the nice, warm sweater.

So how does one choose the perfect gift?

Well to start - take a look at the sort of things that the person already has. OK, so there are probably no department stores selling torn-up t-shirts and holey underwear. But if your guy is a jeans and sneakers type, the shoe shine kit most likely won't rock his world, while a pair of new Converse hi-tops just might do the trick.

And if your gal couldn't find Idaho on a map to save her life, a collection of State Commemorative Quarters isn't going to buy you anything. A cell phone so she can call you when she's gotten lost - again - may be a far more thoughtful present.

So put down that ugly tie and fuzzy sweater and put yourself in your recipient's loafers - or hi-tops as the case may be. If you're still having problems, try to remember what this person gave to you last year. Was it a cool, electronic gadget? Chances are their choice in gifts reflects their own taste in what they would like to receive.

When we realize that what we give must reflect the needs of our recipient and not our own desires, we become better at giving.

And when we realize that what we are getting often is what we need to give, we become better at receiving, and our relationships will improve on both the material and emotional fronts.

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God bless your family and your marriage.

Jim Stephens