The Inner Lives of Husbands
By Shaunti Feldhahn
"I've been married 30 years, and I can't believe I never knew this before!" I've lost count of how many times a woman has said something like this after I've given a talk.
When I interviewed more than 1,500 men for a book on the inner lives of husbands, I realized just how many misconceptions women have about men - and how often those perceptions affect our relationships. Do you want to see your man with new eyes? Consider just a few of these findings.
Love is not enough
"Love is all you need," the popular song says. We women often agree - but men don't. In fact, in a nationwide survey, three out of four men said they would exchange feeling that their wives loved them if they could instead feel that their wives respected and trusted them. (Read that again, ladies. Jim)
As foreign as this may seem to us women, respect feels like love to men.
Loving your man the way he needs requires that he feel your trust and admiration. Most of us do respect our men, but we may not realize that sometimes our words or actions convey exactly the opposite.
We wonder why he gets mad at simple things, such as teasing him about his hopelessness as an amateur plumber or suggesting that he ask for directions. He's mad because what he just heard was "You're stupid!" And if he thinks this is what you are saying throughout the day - even if you never meant to - it drastically affects how he feels about himself and about you.
God has given us many signposts for preventing these problems, and many of us have totally missed them.
Ephesians 5, for example, repeatedly urges husbands to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands.
We women excel at expressing love, but that's not what a man needs most.
Of course, you may not always feel like respecting him. But just as you want him to choose to love you even when you're not lovable, your man needs you to choose to demonstrate respect unconditionally.
That choice does tremendous things inside him. Throughout my survey, men often told me they couldn't become the strong, trustworthy, loving men they wanted to be without unconditional support and affirmation from their wives.
How do we do this?
As a start, we can try to become more aware of our unintentional disrespect and choose respectful attitudes, words and actions instead. For example, he needs you to respect his judgment; questioning him makes him feel inept. And at all costs, avoid belittling words. Tell him, "I'm proud of you!"
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Shaunti Feldhahn is the author of For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men.
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God bless your family and your marriage.
Jim Stephens
