Think In Terms Of Improving Things Just 1 Percent
Book Excerpt By Steven Stosny and Patricia Love
Inspiration means "breathe in."
If you take a deep breath and try to (1) improve, (2) appreciate, (3) connect, or (4) protect, you will find yourself back to what is most important to you...your Core Values.
You will no longer want to attack, devalue, or defend yourself; you will want to improve, appreciate, connect, and protect.
Each inspiration by itself will lead you back to connection with your partner; doing all four together will make you feel euphoric. Here's how it works.
When you inspire yourself to improve, you try to make things just a little better - 1 percent will do to start.
Thanks to the powerful human inspiration which is to improve something, you don't necessarily have to "fix" the problem to feel better. You just have to make it a little better, say 1%.
If you're feeling bad and you think about what you can do to make it a little better - you don't even have to actually do it, just think of it - and you'll start feeling better.
If you're upset at your partner, and you think of how you can make yourself feel a little better...shower, take a walk, smell a flower, call a friend, watch a game, chop some firewood, read a book...then you'll start to feel better.
Making things a little better frees more mental resources in the neocortex, the problem-solving part of the brain. These added mental resources allow you to make things even better, freeing up more mental resources that enable you to improve yet a little more, and so on.
Even if the improvement is only in your head, it will change your emotional demeanor and that will make negotiations with your partner go much better.
Think of something you feel guilty or resentful about right now. Think of it in detail. Now think in terms of what you can do to improve either the situation or your experience of it just a little.
For instance, Steven (the author) right now feels guilty for not returning his dear friend's phone call. At first he thought he was resentful because she left a message when she knew he had to work on the book this morning. But it was really guilt for violating his core value about caring how she feels. He improved his experience of the situation by promising himself that he would call at the first opportunity and apologize for not calling sooner.
Improve things just a little bit, then a lot of other things can change.
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Taken from Chapter 7 of How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.
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God bless your family and your marriage.
Jim Stephens
