Mr. Fix-It And The Home Improvement Committee

By John Gray

In the beginning of a romance

The beginning of almost every romance is full of mutual admiration and adoration. Confidence is high for everyone and both people feel excited by the new love they feel.

Venusians trust that their partner is doing his very best, and Martians are energized to listen to the Venusian talk about whatever is on her mind.

This truly is a magical time in a relationship.

Suddenly something is very wrong!

After a few months, it's almost as if a spell has been lifted and both people begin to let their true selves emerge. As this happens the unconditional acceptance previously felt appears to fade away. Women typically begin to complain that their partner stops listening to them and men typically complain that their partner wants to change them.

In truth, nothing is wrong - in fact the exact opposite is true. For the past few months both people have been on their best behavior. They have kept their houses clean, used their best manners, and as a result have received unconditional acceptance from their partner.

Once the initial fear of "Will this work out?" has passed, people want to be liked for who they really are. Suddenly qualities like being over-talkative, impatient, short tempered, not being in the mood, even needing some space show up.

If you have been dating someone for several months and see this "other side" emerging, then try not to worry too much - it's normal for it to appear. Men and Women each have common "other side" complaints about their partner.

Men typically complain that their partners want to change them, to improve them - I call this the "Home Improvement Committee."

Women typically complain that men stop listening, that at the first sign of an unwanted conversation, men start giving advice instead of listening. I call this, "Mr. Fix It."

What to do

In the meantime, if you are dating a person who is beginning to show some of these less than desirable traits there are a few things you can do:

 1.  If possible tell your partner how it makes you feel when the problem shows up. Try talking honestly, directly, and without blaming them for your feelings.

 2.  If you need to, you should take a time out. If you find yourself feeling irritated to the point that you can't talk about the situation, then take a time out and agree to talk about it later. If your partner is upset by this, let them know that you want to think about your response. Reassure them that once you have had time to think, then you will bring it back up. Don't forget to do this.

 3.  Try walking in their shoes. What would make your partner act the way they are? If you don't know, the best action is to ask and not assume you know the answer.

 4.  Read the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. If you're not one to read the book, borrow the book on tape, or call a coach for faster advice.

 5.  Remember what attracted you to your partner in the first place. That person is still in there. Talk openly about your feelings and you will either reconnect with the person you first began dating or decide that this "other self" isn't someone you want to date.

Don't be afraid to look at the possibility that the person you're dating may not be the one for you. But again, don't assume, ASK!

_______________________________________________________   

God bless your family and your marriage.

Jim Stephens