Three Mistakes Martians Commonly Make

By John Gray

The scene:

She is upset and comes to him and begins to talk about it.

He really wants to help her be happy again, but he feels virtually helpless in the world of a woman's emotions. So he does the only things he can think of to help her. He might take it personally and defend himself. He might minimize or try to talk her out of her feelings. Or he might try to fix her problem. To his dismay, not only did it not help but she feels even worse!

Over time, he becomes more and more frustrated and concludes that, no matter what he does, he cannot make her happy. She concludes that she cannot count on him when she is down.

This scene plays itself out with maddening regularity in households around the world. The couple may seem to get past each incident, but, over time, the relationship cools off and there is more and more distance between them. This can ultimately have tragic consequences.

So what is going on? It turns out that, in his attempt to help, he often gives her exactly the opposite of what she wants or needs. Instead of being helped, she experiences being invalidated and feels worse.

While both have their part in this, we will focus on three common mistakes that men make in this kind of situation and how to overcome these mistakes.

First Mistake:

Men take it personally and defend themselves. How many times have you heard her say, "Why do you always have to make this about you? I'm just talking about how I feel!" Martians tend to fall headlong into this trap. The problem here is that men hear things literally. What they don't realize is that when she is upset, she will use "global" words (e.g. every time, always, never, etc.) as tools to explore and express her difficult emotions. By doing so, she is able to process her upset and let it go.

Second Mistake:

The second Martian mistake is to try to minimize her feelings or talk her out of having them. My favorite with my wife used to be, "You're making a mountain out of a mole hill; it's not that big of a deal." No doubt every Venusian reading this can tell you that that response has just the opposite of its intended effect. Instead of being relieved to see things from her husband's vast, wise perspective, she experiences her feelings (and therefore she herself) being invalidated, adding to her frustration and upset.

Third Mistake:

Finally, because Martians value competence, action and results, when a Venusian is upset, Martians put on their Mr. Fix-It hats and ride in with "helpful" suggestions about how to make her situation better.

Martians, if you hear yourself about to say these words, "Why don't you just..." followed by a helpful suggestion or two... that is a good time to bite your tongue! Once again, her experience is one of being discounted and invalidated if you do that.

So what can we do instead?

Here are some specific suggestions I recommend that men add to their toolbox for dealing with these difficult situations:

 ·  First and foremost, a man must realize that they come from different planets. What would be helpful to him will often have the opposite effect on her. When she is upset, what she usually needs most from him is for him to listen, understand, and care about how she feels. This enables her to talk it through and release the upset.

 ·  A helpful tool for preparing to do so is to say to yourself, "This is about her, not about me. All she needs is to talk it through and she will feel better. It will be particularly helpful if I hang in there with her and be a good listener."

 ·  Men will often say (and feel) that if they are "just listening" then they are not doing anything. What men need to know here is that listening to her with interest, curiosity, understanding and compassion is doing something very helpful. It is also exactly what she needs.

Women will pay therapists big money to do for them what they are not receiving at home: listening.

Investing time, energy, and practice to become a good listener for your wife will pay handsome returns in her gratitude and appreciation of you.

_______________________________________________________   

God bless your family and your marriage.

Jim Stephens