How Women Unknowingly Start Arguments
 
By John Gray
 
The most common way women unknowingly start arguments with their intimate partners is by not being direct when they share their feelings.
 
Instead of directly expressing her dislike or disappointment, a woman asks rhetorical questions and communicates her disapproval. However, the message that comes across is often not the message she wants to give.
 
A common example of this dynamic occurs when a man arrives late. Rather than saying directly, "I don't like waiting for you when you are late," or, "I was worried that something had happened to you." She will instead ask a serious of rhetorical questions, such as: "How could you be so late?" or "What am I supposed to think when you're late?" or "Don't you think you could have called?"
 
What message do you think the man is actually getting? "You don't care." "You're selfish." "You're stupid."
 
Often when a woman is upset, the tone of her voice reveals that she is not looking for a valid answer and it sounds like she is making the point that there is no acceptable reason for the offending behavior.
 
At the same time, what a man hears in questions like, "Why didn't you call?" is her admonishment of his action regardless of his valid reasons. Worse, he feels her intrusive desire to help him be a more responsible individual. In other words she's thinking he acted like a child. He in turn becomes defensive and she won't understand why. Women actually have little or no knowledge of how painful their disapproval is to a man.
 
Here's the key, as we suggested in yesterday's column, "How Men Unknowingly Start Arguments," just as women need validation, men need approval. And the more a man loves a woman, the more he needs her approval. When a woman withdraws her approval it is particularly painful to a man.
 
A woman can, however, learn to disagree with a man's behavior and still approve of who he is. This is an essential skill. Research shows that a very vast majority of men would choose to receive respect over love if given the choice between the two. Women want unconditional love. But men choose unconditional respect.
 
In fact, one of the reasons relationships are so successful in the beginning is that a man is still in a woman's good graces. At this time he is still her hero. Receiving her blessing has him riding high. But over time as he acts in ways that incur her disapproval and disappointment he falls from her grace.
 
When a man hears a woman's disapproving tone, it does not change his behavior, it only adds to his frustration and resentment.
 
As we discussed yesterday, what a man fails to understand is that while he is eager to justify and rationalize his offense, in this case being late, it is far better for him to take the time to listen to her issues and validate her feelings.
 
How a woman unintentionally starts an argument is by her listing of a number of rhetorical questions. It would be preferable for her to simply state her direct issue. Her rhetorical questions bring out in a man his competitive nature because he is hearing a tone of superiority. That tone is only going to offend a male further. In the future if the same situation occurs again, then he'll be even less likely to try to cooperate because of the way he feels he is being treated, i.e. without respect.
 
Although it may go against her basic Venusian instinct, a woman should endeavor to state her direct concern or frustration, being careful not to be in any way admonishing or expressing of disapproval of him.
 
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This was the second of a two-part series about the anatomy of arguments. Both articles were based on themes from Chapter Nine of John's mega bestseller, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. The chapter entitled "How to Avoid Arguments," provides a wealth of information on this subject. 
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