Eight Mistakes Men Make in An Argument
 
By John Gray
 
Arguments are a fact of life in all relationships. One way to reduce the number of fights that you have as a couple is to take the time when you are feeling good about yourself and your relationship to read over this list.
 
See which of these mistakes resonates with certain mistakes that you have made in the past. Tomorrow we'll provide a list of "Eight Mistakes Women Make in a Fight."
 
Both lists are designed to help men as well as women.
 
It's a real benefit for women to gain new insight into the common mistakes that men make in an argument. Many women are under the impression that they are married to a man whose behavior is unique only to him. That is very rarely the case as you will see reading through this list.
 
It's not recommended that you wait until you have a fight to review this list. 
 
This list of common mistakes that men make while fighting can help a man to reflect on what he could have done differently. It will help him gain insights into how he can act the next time tempers flare.

 

8 Mistakes Men Make
 
#1. Raising your voice or becoming cold, sharp, or distant in tone. Men can care so much about being right that they don't realize that their tone can sound uncaring from a woman's point of view. Men often sound threatening and overwhelming when angry. Just being aware of your tone can make a difference in the direction of a fight.
 
#2. Making condescending comments is a mistake most men make repeatedly. They say things like, "Don't worry about it," or "it's not a big deal" instead of acknowledging her feelings, .
 
#3. Interrupting her with arguments to invalidate her feelings or correct her observations. A typical comment would be "You shouldn't feel that way." It's better that he take time to reflect and then say something like, "I understand you think that..."
 
#4. Expressing frustration with the pace of the argument. This is when a man will say in frustration, "Why do we have to go over this again and again." A better approach is for a man to say, "I have to take a time out so I can better absorb what it is you are saying."
 
#5. Offering solutions rather than asking more questions. This goes back to the classic Mr. Fix-It. This is such a common pattern for men: rather than listening to her feelings, they will offer solutions. He might think he is being helpful, but to her, he is simply being dismissive.
 
#6. Having to get in the final word. Whatever she says, her man comes back with, "So once again everything has to be the way you want it. Everything you want has to be such a big deal." Statements like these often stem from a male's sense of frustration that his partner has more accomplished verbal skills. Getting in the final word is simply taking a verbal swipe that says, "I refuse to let you think that you have won this argument."
 
#7. Tit for tat. When she complains, you "raise" her complaint with more complaints of your own. Chalk it up to a man's competitive nature, but in truth, it's no way to make peace and move beyond your argument.
 
#8. Giving in to what she wants but with the message that you are doing so even though she is being unreasonable. This is no way to make real peace either. All this approach will accomplish is to set both of you up for Argument Part 2, Part 3, and so on.

 

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This is the first of two articles based on a chapter in John Gray's recent book, Why Mars and Venus Collide. Tomorrow we will feature the "Eight Mistakes Women Make in a Fight". Check out the book for a complete list of fourteen mistakes men and women make in a fight.
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