Winning Strategies to Rekindle Your Love, Part 2
 
By Terry Real
 
Men don't want to work all that hard at romance, and women still think that an ideal lover "would just know" what she wants.
 
I can't tell you how many women I've heard say over the years, "If I have to tell him, it doesn't count."
 
You've got to ask yourself, how well this working for you?
 
Most people - of either gender - do not do the work of sitting down, clearly identifying their relational wants and needs, figuring out how to best ask for them, going after them, and then - if the first attempt fails - regrouping, rethinking, and trying again.
 
Get Comfortable with Asking for What You Want
 
Why does it feel so uncomfortable to ask for what you want? 
 
The answer to this question is critically important to understand - especially for women.
 
As crazy as it might seem, complaining, arguing and even getting downright nasty actually feel safer to most of us than simply making a direct request. And not without reason! In fact there is not one, but three reasons why you may be squeamish about making requests:
 
  * You must own the right to have wants and needs
  * You risk possible disappointment or rejection
  * You risk shaking up your relationship
 
This can be difficult for both women and men who, despite years of growth and enormous changes in our society, still feel the influence their traditional upbringing.
 
Just as the essence of traditional masculinity is invulnerability, the essence of traditional femininity is selfless service to others. In other words, owning the right to have wants and needs is very scary for women, while risking the vulnerability of rejection is frightening to men. And, even though the relationship isn't perfect, both are terrified of shaking things up - you never know what you're going to get!
 
Here's the paradox. When you complain about not getting what you want, you might look like you're owning your wants and needs or like you're being vulnerable, but actually you're not. Complaining in your relationship is a form of pseudo-pursuit.
 
If you listen to the content of your complaint, it sounds like you're trying to connect, but in truth a solution is rarely what's on your mind. Instead, what's really going on is an attempt to be right or to control using unbridled self-expression or even retaliation. That's what's really on your mind.
 
You cannot rekindle intimacy and create an extraordinary relationship unless you are willing to identify what it is that you want and pursue it. 
 
Yes, this does take a risk.
 
We are afraid of rocking the boat because experience has shown us that asserting our wants and needs (through complaint) hasn't worked, and so we "compromise" and "give in" without ever expressing what we really want.
 
This common outcome woefully sells short both you and your partner.
 
Your lack of previous success does not stem from deeply wired-in limitations in either of you. Your lack of success stems from your lack of skill in asking for what you want because, as you've painfully learned, it isn't enough to simply complain. You must assert yourself in a way that will work.
 
Rule: You have no right to complain about not getting what you never asked for.
 
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Adapted from the bestselling book The New Rules of Marriage by Terry Real.

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