Daily Tips from The Marriage Library
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Explaining The Love Language of "Quality Time"
 
by Gary Chapman
 
Summary of this article
 
Gary Chapman is famous for discovering the "Five Love Languages". Here is some detail about Quality Time.
 
Jim 
Explaining The Love Language of "Quality Time"
 
By Gary Chapman
 
Many of us...are trained to analyze problems and create solutions. We forget that marriage is a relationship, not a project to be completed or a problem to solve. 
 
What You Should Know About People Whose Primary Love Language Is Quality Time
 
First, they experience love in togetherness. Not just physical closeness, but physical and emotional closeness.
 
Second, real togetherness can only be found when there is focused attention on each other.
 
Popular Excuses to Avoid Quality Time...and Why You Shouldn't Use Them
 
1. Time is tight.
 
Unless a military band plays "Hail to the Chief" every time you walk into a social gathering, you can't legitimately claim to have a full schedule.
 
2. Things are OK as is.
 
OK by whose standards? What is "ok" for the non-quality-timer is likely not "ok" for the person who needs quality time togetherness to fill up their emotional love tank. Give legitimacy to the other person's needs.
 
3. Every minute we spend together is "quality time". 
 
More often than not, you give your spouse less than your best. This problem is likely a lack of focus on your spouse, and such disregard is wrong for a whole bushel of reasons. Here are three obvious ones: it's rude, it demonstrates some seriously weird priorities, and it's ultimately damaging to your relationship.
 
The keys to togetherness are quality conversation and quality activities. Quality conversation is focused on what we are hearing with undivided attention. A quality activity has three essential ingredients: (1) at least one of you wants to do it, (2) the other is willing to do it, (3) both of you know why you are doing it - to express love by being together.
 
Some Practical Ideas 
 
Make a list of the things that your "Quality-Timer" has requested of you over time. Then do it! Complete one thing on your list each week for the next two months. 
 
Some Suggestions On Spending Quality Time
 
1. Giving advice...DON'T.
 
When your spouse shares some frustrations, hurts, questions, and doubts, it is not - repeat, not - your cue to come swooping in with all of the answers. He or she is likely looking for sympathy and understanding - even if you know what you're talking about!
 
2. One-word responses...DON'T
 
These are generally conversation-killers. Work hard to avoid "Fine," "Yep," and "Nope."
 
3. Inappropriate Humor...DON'T
 
No, this is not referring to off-color jokes. This is talking about ill-times wisecracks, thoughtless sarcasm, absurd non sequiturs, and obscure pop culture references that only serve to hijack a dialogue and carry it off somewhere else.
 
4. Maintaining eye contact...DO
 
5. Stop whatever else you're doing...DO.
 
6. Learn to spot feelings...DO.
 
7. Pay attention to body language...DO.
 
8. Refuse to interrupt...DO.
 
Tips for Maximizing Your Quality Time
 
1. Start slowly. 
 
If quality time is new to you, don't try to do too much too soon.
 
2. Eliminate the pressure. 
 
Work hard to remove the pressure to "perform" or be super-romantic. Set realistic expectations for your time together.
 
3. Keep things surprising. Stay out of ruts!
 
4. Occasionally try to outdo yourself. 
 
Possible Activities To Do Together
 
1. Plant (and care for) a vegetable garden together.
2. Tackle a home-improvement project together.
3. Play a board game.
4. Wash your car.
5. Go antique shopping.
6. Start a two-member book club.
7. Shop for groceries together.
_____________________________________________________
 
God bless your marriage and family.
 
Jim Stephens
 

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Jim Stephens
The Marriage Library