Tips For Dispelling Her Fear and His Shame
 
By Steven Stosny
 
Here's a common example. Sarah was nervous about the weight she had put on when she modeled her new dress for her husband. "How do I look?" she asked. Sensing her nervousness, Scott replied, "How much did it cost?"
 
This simple exchange in an otherwise loving relationship started a fight about money that quickly expanded to include sex, in-laws, and their relationship. But the fight wasn't about any of those things. Her unspoken anxiety about her appearance triggered his feelings of shame. He associated the shame with his feelings of inadequacy as a provider - he feels he doesn't make enough money. Of course, his external response made her feel like she wasn't worth the cost of the dress. So that night she didn't want to have sex with him. This aggravated his feelings of shame and inadequacy as a lover, so then he refused to go with her to visit her parents as they had planned.
 
This invisible fear-shame dynamic is at the core of a great many relationship problems. The good news is that connection soothes both fear and shame. And that's why women want to talk in the first place, to feel more connected. But it's hard for a man to feel connected when he feels like a failure.
 
Had Sarah simply told Scott the truth, that she bought the dress to look good for him, he would have felt valued rather than threatened. And if Scott had felt protective when sensing his wife's anxiety, he would have reassured her, which would have dissipated his feeling of inadequacy. 
 
Always try to connect before you talk about anything emotional. When people feel valued they cooperate; when they feel devalued or threatened, they resist. 
 
The best advice for men is to incorporate small connective gestures into their routine. Here are some examples:
 
     * Brush my teeth-kiss my wife.
     * Pour my coffee-pour her coffee.
     * Answer work emails-email my love.
 
Be aware of how important she is to you...because she provides the meaning of your life, so don't wait to show love for her until she's got her bags packed and ready to walk out the door. 
 
     * Hug her at least six times a day.
     * Surprise her now and then.
     * Help her often. 
 
Here are some examples for women how to connect with their man.
 
     * Start conversations with touch. Men need 2-3 times more touching to feel connected. Yes, they like non-sexual touching, as long as they're not sex-starved.

 

     * Do things with him. Men feel more connected through mutual activities, so try to do things with them. Women report that they have the best talks with their husbands while walking and driving because then he's doing something with you. 
 
     * Understand that he feels connected to you when you are nearby but letting him do his routine. 
 
     * And remember sex. Orgasm releases oxytocin and is his only source of the bonding chemical. It increases his desire to be close.
 
Fortunately, we have powerful internal signals of the fear-shame dynamic. If a woman feels anxious and her man isn't helping, then likely he's probably feeling shame and she needs to make a compassionate connection with him.
 
If a man is feeling hassled or trapped and his woman is making it worse, he can bet that she's feeling fear of isolation or deprivation; he needs to get in touch with how much he cares for her and reassure her. 
 
The discomfort they both feel is not something that one is doing to the other. Rather, it is happening to both of them, and together and they can disarm it. 
 
Mutually disarming the fear-shame dynamic is the most effective way to achieve the closeness you both want, which is, at heart, a love beyond words.  
 
 
Steven Stosny
CompassionPower.Com

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