Why Giving Advice Doesn't Work - Part 2
By Mark Murphy
Article from Leadership IQ
One mistake a lot of leaders make is delivering advice instead of constructive feedback.
People often think it's nicer to phrase criticisms more gently by injecting words like: should, would, ought, gotta, must, and try. The problem is that by using these words your constructive feedback becomes advice. And this only confuses the matter, raises the other party's defensiveness, and pushes them in the opposite direction of great performance.
Samples of advice include:
* Personally, I wouldn't bother the client before noon.
* If it were me, I'd get started on this right away.
* Have you tried talking to the client?
* You should probably make a few extra just in case.
There's no language in any of the above statements that indicates the would, should, etc., is mandatory. If it's not optional then don't imply it is. Trying to trick employees into thinking they have a choice when they really don't doesn't make the work any more enjoyable. And if they interpret your feedback as optional, and do it their way and it turns out wrong, everyone suffers.
There are five core reasons why advice negates the effectiveness of constructive feedback and raises defensiveness. Let's take a look.
(Yesterday)
Why Advice Doesn't Work: Reason #1: It's Judgmental.
Why Advice Doesn't Work: Reason #2: You're Telling Them What To Do.
(Today)
Why Advice Doesn't Work: Reason #3: Inflexibility of Possible Responses.
When you give advice you offer the other party only two choices: take the advice or ignore the advice. If your advice is taken, that means the other person must tacitly admit you're right and he or she is wrong. This automatically gives you credit for being smarter. This is a dangerous scenario, and it's one that's almost guaranteed to create defensiveness.
When advice is ignored, it invites the possibility later of an," I told you so." And that can prompt our old friends, the walls of defensiveness, to spring into action and block out the feedback.
Even if you outwardly don't acknowledge the failure to take your advice, the person who passed on taking it may fear you're insulted. This scenario can shut down the employee from attempting any future discussion on the topic (or any other topic for that matter).
And then, there's always the chance that your constant advice and inflexibility has you positioned as someone to be avoided.
Why Advice Doesn't Work: Reason #4: Narcissism of the Giver.
Let's be honest. Sometimes we give advice to demonstrate how smart we are, or because we feel left out or need to be needed.
There are even cases where constructive feedback is manipulated to vent anger or to purposely hurt someone. But it's always done under the thinly veiled guise of trying to be helpful.
Before you offer constructive feedback, consider your reasons. If your purpose is not to help someone achieve great performance, you probably want to rethink giving the feedback.
Why Advice Doesn't Work: Reason #5: It's Usually Unsolicited.
Most advice is offered unsolicited. This means the other party didn't ask to be judged, corrected, or directed. When you catch someone off guard and hit them upside the head with advice; there's virtually no chance they'll be in an open emotional state to hear what you say.
There are lots of ways to give good feedback (my latest book Hundred Percenters has an entire chapter devoted to the topic). But advice generally just doesn't work all that well.
And remember, while advice is a lot of fun to give, it's generally not that much fun to get.
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