How Men Unknowingly Start Arguments
 
By John Gray
 
The most common way men start arguments is by invalidating a woman's feelings or point of view.
 
Here's a common example: A man will often make light of a woman's negative feelings. He will say something like, "Don't worry about it." Said to another man this phrase would seem friendly and reassuring. But said to an intimate female partner it is both insensitive and hurtful.
 
At other times a man might try to quell a woman's sense of upset by saying, "It's no big deal." He follows that comment with what he sees as a variety of practical solutions. He anticipates that she will be happy and relieved by this "support." He's perplexed and frustrated when she feels invalidated, unsupported, and in fact, simply dismissed. She however cannot appreciate his solution until he validates her need to be upset.
 
A man then compounds his offense by explaining why she shouldn't be upset. Unfortunately, he has no idea that his attitude makes her feel as though she has no right to be upset. In trying to explain himself, there is a good chance that the only message she will hear is that he simply does not care about her feelings.
 
In order for her to listen to his reasoning she first needs him to hear her good reasons for being upset. At this point it is wise for him to put his explanations on hold and listen with understanding. When he starts to care about her feelings she will start to feel the support she needs.
 
It's essential for men to understand that this change in approach takes practice. When a woman shares feelings of frustration, disappointment, or worry, every instinct a man has is to react with a list of explanations and justifications that are designed to explain away her feelings of upset. Women are unaware that it is not his intention to make matters worse. His attempt to rationalize and explain away her concerns is simply an outward sign of his Martian instinct trying to be helpful.
 
Imagine this scenario taking place on Mars. Do you think one man would say to another, "I hear your concerns and I recognize how upsetting this experience has been for you." That's not going to happen. It's far more likely that he'll say, "It's no big deal, don't waste your time worrying about it."
 
When a man understands that his automatic Martian reaction when dealing with a Venusian is counterproductive, then he can make this important shift. Through his awareness and experiences of what works in speaking with a woman, a man can make this change and avoid arguments that he previously started unknowingly.
 
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This is the first of a two-part series about the anatomy of arguments. Tomorrow we will present part two, "How Women Unknowingly Start Arguments." Both of these articles are based on themes from Chapter Nine of John's mega bestseller, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. The chapter entitled "How to Avoid Arguments," provides a wealth of information on this subject.

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