The New Science Of Love - Part 2
By Dr. Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight
(continued from yesterday)
In our work with those who constantly find themselves in harms way, policemen, firemen and military couples, we have learned that the most effective antidote to stress, ongoing fear, and catastrophe is a safe haven bond with a partner.
What do these couples learn to do that we can help others apply to their relationships when something like a monetary crisis hits?
1. Partners can learn to offer, the most precious gift of all - themselves and their caring when their partner needs comfort.
Often we try to "fix" our partners anxiety or pain with advice or ideas about what he or she should do. This usually backfires.
What our partner needs from us, especially when he or she is filled with uncertainty, is emotional closeness and support. So saying, "This is so hard. I know you are scared, but I am here and we can do this together," isn't just kindness, it has the ability to turn off the alarm centers in your partner's brain. Your very emotional presence is reassuring.
2. Holding up a "loving mirror" to our partner is key.
We so often blame ourselves when bad things happen: "If only I had worked harder or taken that other job, or invested in different things." Our partner's compassion is an antidote to this kind of self-criticism. If he or she can tell us that we did the best we could and what had happened is not our fault, we can sometimes accept that ourselves!
3. We can learn to pinpoint the emotional triggers that can move us into agitation and irritability or into numbing out and distancing.
These moves always impact your partner and make it harder for him or her to support you. They create distance in your relationship.
A man learns to be able to tell his wife, "I just got caught in the Gloom thing again and so I got irritable with you acting happy just now. I don't want us to get into our 'I complain while you get exasperated and move away routine'. I don't want this stress to come in between us. Maybe I just need to talk to you."
4. Asking for what you need.
The last comment the man makes above is the real key to dealing with stress in our relationships. The key is to be able to turn to your partner and ask for what you need. This is an act of strength and courage. You ask for the emotional support and reassurance you need. Each time you can do this and your partner can respond, you are building a safe haven relationship that no stressor can destroy.
We know that when partners can do this they are stronger and more confident as individuals and they create stronger more loving bonds.
When we are in trouble and face an unpredictable future, this is when we need our love relationships the most.
Our 25 years of research with couples tells us that when we can stand together, we can face any crisis that shows up - if we just hold each other tight.
And by the way, secure lasting marriages are good for the economy. Married folks are healthier, and those who are married are able to pool resources and so have more wealth and economic assets. On the other side of the coin, a recent research report estimates the cost of a divorce for American society as a whole at about $25,000 from factors such as the need for subsidized housing or lower tax revenue.
A small improvement in the health of our marriages would, the experts agree, not only help us cope better with the economic crisis but result in enormous savings for tax-payers.
But, for most of us, the best way to save yourself and your sanity in any economic downturn is attending to and turning to your love relationships. This is the best investment you can make.
If we have each other, we have a life-raft in the storm.
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