Daily Tips from The Marriage Library
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Her "Love Tank" and His "Respect Tank"
 
By Emerson Eggerichs
 
Summary of this article
 
Emerson Eggerichs thoroughly develops in his writings, seminars, and videos the theme that men crave absolute respect like women crave absolute love. Her are some analogies he uses. 
 
Jim 
Her "Love Tank" and His "Respect Tank"
 
By Emerson Eggerichs


A wife fixes her husband's favorite meal but he comes home 40 minutes late. The food is cold.

Hurt, she makes a remark, as he walks through the door, "You are always late and never call me. You are so uncaring! If you loved me, you'd call!"

That comment sets him off. With a look of disgust, he exits the kitchen. Putting on his running gear, he leaves the house for an hour run.

Obvious to every woman watching this, he misses her heart.

Obvious to every man watching this, her disrespectful words and tone blind him to her inner sadness and pain.

Why does this kind of thing happen?

I like to use a symbolic analogy, a wife has an air hose connected to a "Love Tank." From her husband, she needs love like she needs air to breathe and it comes through her air hose.

When she feels unloved, right or wrong, she reacts. She feels as though she is emotionally suffocating. She will not declare, "Oh, ok, I just guess I must suffocate and die."

When her husband steps on her air hose, she does not flat line it on the emotional heart monitor. She reacts. In fact, she will push him off her air hose. "Get off my air hose! Quit being so unloving!"

Things can get out of control at this moment. Feeling unloved, she shows contempt when she reacts. Maybe thinking this will wake him up to her pain.

He feels disrespected, so he shows no love.

Let's consider another story from the opposite side. A husband works hard at his place of employment. He brings home a healthy pay check. To him, this is honorable. He even hands over his pay check, trusting his wife's money management.

But once every couple of months, she becomes exasperated with the "bills" and money pressures. She expresses her anxieties over his lack of income. "You need to be doing more!"

Hurt, he makes a cutting remark. "Am I nothing more than a meal ticket to you? The kids mean everything to you. I mean nothing. You are an ungrateful witch."

His unloving comment wounds her and blinds her to his inner feeling of being disrespected. If she in turn says something disrespectful, this is a double whammy. She is ventilating her frustration, needing reassurance. Yet, he hears, "I don't respect you."

Following a similar analogy to the above, a husband has an air hose hooked up to a "Respect Tank." From his wife, he needs respect just like he needs air to breathe. What he needs is an unconditional respect for who he is, apart from his performance, the things he does.

When he feels disrespected, right or wrong, he reacts. He feels choked emotionally. He will not passively announce, "Oh, ok, I count for nothing; it is time to die." Instead, he reacts. He pushes her off his air hose. "Get off my line, I can't breathe. Quit being so disrespectful. Everybody respects me but you. I don't deserve this disrespect!"

Both are reacting defensively and end up offending the other.

In feeling unloved, she reacts disrespectfully. At that moment she does not see his need for respect nor her own reaction as disrespectful - or doesn't want to. She feels her own need for love and he should be more loving. Period. Nothing else really matters.

In feeling disrespected, he reacts in unloving ways. At that instance, he does not see her need for love nor that his reaction is unloving - or doesn't want to. He may not care at this heated second. He sees his own need for respect and that she should be more respectful. Until she changes, he's stonewalling.   
_________________________________________________ 
 
God bless your marriage and family.
 
Jim Stephens
 

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