Summary of this article
This is a valuable insight explaing a lot about why couples argue. See if it makes sense to you.
God bless your marriage and family.
A Man Needs Her Approval Most When He Makes A Mistake
By Jim Stephens. Concepts by John Gray and www.marsvenus.com
Most arguments occur not because two people disagree, but because either the man feels that the woman disapproves of his point of view or the woman disapproves of the way he is talking to her.
Most men have heard the expression, "I just don't get you sometimes," and most women at one point can recall saying, "I hate it when you use that tone of voice with me."
Often, she may disapprove of him because he is not validating her point of view or speaking to her in a caring way.
When men and women learn to approve and validate, they don't have to argue. The can discuss and negotiate their differences.
When a man makes a mistake or forgets to do an errand or fulfill some responsibility, a woman doesn't realize how sensitive he feels about it.
This is when he most needs her love. When he feels like he failed her, he is the most vulnerable. To withdraw her approval at this point causes him extreme discomfort.
There is a good chance, of course, that she does not realize how painful her comments feel to him. She may be focused on her feelings of disappointment and unaware of giving off feelings of disapproval. Her respect for him is more important than her love.
One of the ways women unknowingly communicate disapproval is with their eyes and tone of voice. The words she chooses may be loving, but her look or the tone of her voice can wound a man even if very little is being said. As a defense mechanism, his reaction to her look or tone is to try to make her feel wrong. He therefore invalidates her and justifies himself at the same time.
Men are most prone to argue when they have made a mistake or they have upset the woman that they love. If he disappoints her, he wants to explain to her why she should not be so upset. He thinks his reasons will help her to feel better. Her discomfort is very disconcerting for him.
What he doesn't know is that if she is upset, what she needs most is to be both heard and validated. But he's trying to deny or diminish those feelings.
It does not come easy for men or women to develop the skills to approve and validate each other in the way they can receive it. But it does mean learning to be able to avoid these moments of mini-meltdowns in our relationships.
After all, most of our parents did not practice advanced communication skills. On the other hand, without role models, mentoring, or coaching, it can be very difficult to learn to express differences and disagreements without arguing.
Emotionally charged arguments can be avoided if we can understand what our partner needs and remember to give it. When a woman is frustrated it is easy for her to forget that in most instances her partner's sole intent was to gain her approval.
When a man is acting defensively to invalidate his partner's feelings and concerns, it's very hard for him to hear what she's really trying to express (while not being angered at the manner in which the message is given).
When something doesn't go the way a couple had hoped, men in particular believe that they are at fault. They see it as a failure to provide. Letting him know your admiration for all that he does do at this point is an example of giving your approval at a time when a man needs it most. In order to find admiration for all that he does do for her, she has to notice it in the first place.
Approval and validation will short circuit disagreements by removing his instinctiveness to get defensive and her reactiveness to not being heard. It keeps their time together far more enjoyable because of the lack of arguing.
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