Her Fear Stimulates His Shame Which Re-Stimulates Her Fear
Article from Steven Stosny
The Fear-Shame Dynamic is a survival-based mechanism observed in most social animals. What we see is that the fear and anxiety in female members of the pack serve as an automatic alarm system to stimulate aggressive-protective behavior in the males.
(The better sense of smell and hearing of females makes them more sensitive to danger and more suited to being social alarms.)
When the females get scared, the stronger males form a defensive/aggressive perimeter around the endangered pack.
The human brain is more socially structured than that of any other animal. We now understand that confronted with the anxiety or fear of a woman, a man will typically and automatically without thinking about it respond with protection and/or support. He would run into a burning building to save her life.
But if he does not know how to protect/support or feels like a failure as a protector, then he is likely to turn the aggressive response in another direction...namely onto her. This will usually take the form of criticism, "superior reasoning," control, etc.
Another typical reaction is the opposite. He reins in the emotion by withdrawing in frustration (stonewalling or going quiet).
Note that this occurs even if her fear or anxiety has nothing to do with him.
Something corresponding but different happens to her. His anger or withdrawal (preoccupation) stimulates her anxiety or fear of isolation.
Note, even if his anger or withdrawal has nothing to do with her, she will still experience this.
The need for connection is powerful. Even contact that is negative seems less threatening than isolation, so the stonewalled woman is likely to pursue after the man. This will tend to stimulate more shame and anger/withdrawal in her man.
Can you see how it creates a self perpetuating downward spiral?
In general, a man is likely to stonewall, be critical, defensive, or contemptuous of others if he experiences or is trying to avoid the experience of failure as a provider, protector, or lover.
Every man must realize that these strategies however will only make him feel more like a failure.
In general, a woman is likely to be critical, defensive, or contemptuous of the man if she experiences (or even if she is reminded of having experienced) fear of harm, isolation, or deprivation.
Every woman must realize that these strategies will only make her feel more anxious, isolated, or deprived.
If the couple does not understand this interactive dynamic for what it is, namely unconscious, they will think they have a "communication" problem. As they try to talk it out, they will likely continue to provoke her anxiety and his shame.
They will begin to think that they have a bad, insensitive, or selfish partner, and eventually give up on the relationship without understanding the primitive emotional mechanism that did the real damage.
The best way to disarm the fear-shame dynamic is to recognize when it occurs, which is just about every time you feel bad about interacting with each other.
Identify it as something that is happening to both of you rather than pain that one person is inflicting on the other.
Declare that your connection is important to you.
If you make connection, the fear-shame dynamic deactivates. Connected, you can solve the problem that activated it, whatever it is. (Usually it's money, sex, raising the kids, in-laws, or control issues.)
If you remain disconnected, even if you are well-meaning and highly skilled in attempts to solve the problem, you will still run a high risk of inadvertently stimulating more fear or shame in your partner.
Remember, the fear-shame dynamic is interactive, so no unilateral solution will make it better.
Anything that reduces his shame without soothing her anxiety or that reduces her anxiety without sympathizing with his shame will fail.
That is why the most important emotion in attachment is compassion for your partner's vulnerability, which is most likely different from yours.
To learn more about the unconscious fear-shame dynamic and how to disarm it, check out How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking about It: Finding Love beyond Words.
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