Little Habits That Can Make All The Difference - Part 5

By Mary Ganske, Women's Day Magazine, October 3, 2000

Here is a suggested little habit from a top new breed of marriage schools aimed at helping happy couples make a good thing even better.  Unlike traditional therapy, in these workshops couples learn concrete skills that make any relationship stronger.

Woman's Day Magazine took a look at the top marriage renewal programs across the country. The result: five ways to improve communication, smooth over rough spots, and get closer than ever before.

MARRIAGE TIP #5:  USE PRAISE TO CHANGE BAD HABITS

The Workshop:  National Institute of Relationship Enhancement, Bethesda, Maryland

Too often we try to change our partner by railing about what he's doing wrong. "Don't drive so fast!" "Why can't you hang up your clothes?"

But highlighting your spouse's flaws is unproductive. "He'll only get defensive and counterattack," says Bernard Guerney, Jr., PHD, director of the Institute.

A better approach is to explain in a positive way what you'd like him to do. Instead of "No one should have to live in such a pigsty" a simple "I'd love it if the bedroom weren't so cluttered" will do.

The next step is to heap on praise when he does what you ask. "As basic as it sounds, people repeat behaviors that make them feel good," says Dr. Guerney. Just be careful not to temper your approval with digs such as, "That's a good start" or "It's about time".

The more positive you are, the more compliant he'll be. 

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God bless your marriage and your family. 

Jim