Daily Tips from The Marriage Library
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Beware, Opposites Attract - Part 1
 
From Dr. Gary Chapman
 
Summary of this article
 
For today and tomorrow, we have Gary Chapman sharing some of hte opposite types of personalities that he has encountered in 30 years of counseling. 
 
Jim 
Beware, Opposites Attract
 
From Gary Chapman
 
Our differences grow out of the fact that we are creatures of an infinitely creative God, that we grew up in unique family environments, that we were taught cultural and sexual roles, and that we are influenced by our unique genetic composition.
 
I cannot predict the specific differences you will discover in your marriage, but I can predict that the differences will emerge. 
 
Before Brett got married he dreamed about how wonderful it would be to get up every morning and have breakfast with his wife, Allyson. After he got married, he found out that Allyson didn't do mornings. He dreamed of hiking and overnight camping, but he discovered that the Holiday Inn was her idea of overnight camping. He believed in saving money. In fact, he paid cash for the ring (it was a discreetly small one). Her philosophy was "Shop today; you may be sick tomorrow." Brett believed there was a rational answer for everything. "Now let's think about this" was his favorite statement. "I'm tired of thinking. Why can't we just for once do what we want to do without thinking about it?" was Allyson's response.
 
Not all of us see our differences quite so profoundly, but most of us can readily identify a number of areas in which we are quite different from our spouse.
 
Many of our differences were established in the process of growing up. Each of us developed a unique pattern of responding to life emotionally, socially, intellectually, and spiritually. Some of our differences are rooted in the roles a given society teaches males and females.
 
Differences are also rooted in the fact that we are creatures of God. God is infinitely creative. No two of his creatures are exactly alike. We are God-made originals. He made us unique so that we would complement each other. Thus, in our dating we were attracted to someone different from ourselves. She was outgoing; he was shy. He was a hard worker; she was fun loving. He was a spender and bought her nice things, which made her feel special because she tended to pinch every penny. 
 
Opposites attract. In the dating process, we tend to be drawn to persons who complement our personality. After marriage, opposites can become a real challenge for each other. 
 
In this article, I want to share some of the differences I have observed (and tried to label) as I have counseled couples over the past thirty years. I think you will be able to identify with some of these.
 
Morning Persons and Night Persons
 
When James got married, he had the idea that about 10:30 each evening he and Susan would go to bed together, sometimes making love and sometimes simply enjoying each other's presence in bed. Susan, however, had never dreamed of going to bed at 10:30. In fact, her prime time was from 10:00 p.m. to midnight. That is when she enjoyed reading, painting, playing games, doing anything that demanded a lot of energy. Susan is representative of night people. The world is full of them - male and female. Very often they are married to a morning person, whose motor turns off at 10:00 p.m. and cranks back up at 6:00 a.m. While the morning person awakes with the enthusiasm of a kangaroo, springing to face the day with excitement, the night person hides under the covers and thinks, They must be playing a game. No one could be that excited in the morning.
 
Before marriage, the person whose motor turned off at 10:00 p.m. was charged up by the excitement of the night person. James said, "Susan is the only person who was ever able to keep me awake after 10:00 p.m. That's why I knew I must be in love with her." Before marriage, Susan had told James, "Don't call me in the morning; that is not my time of day." James had lovingly complied with this request, never knowing how grumpy Susan could be before noon.
 
Dead Seas and Babbling Brooks
 
If you are familiar with the geography of Israel, you know that the Sea of Galilee flows south by way of the Jordan River into the Dead Sea.
 
The Dead Sea goes nowhere. Many of us have that kind of personality. We can receive all kinds of thoughts, feelings, and experiences throughout the day. We have a large reservoir where we store it all, and we are perfectly happy not to talk. In fact, if you say to a Dead Sea, "What's wrong? Why aren't you talking tonight?" the Dead Sea will likely say, "Nothing's wrong. What makes you think something's wrong?" The Dead Sea is being perfectly honest. He/she is content not to talk.
 
At the other extreme is the Babbling Brook. These are individuals for whom whatever comes into the eye gate or the ear gate comes out the mouth gate - usually in less than sixty seconds. Whatever these people see, whatever they hear, they tell. In fact if no one is at home, they will call someone on the telephone: "Do you know what I just saw? Do you know what I just heard?" They have no reservoir. Whatever they experience, they talk about it.
 
Often a Dead Sea will marry a Babbling Brook. Before the marriage, the differences are viewed as attractive. For example, while dating, the Dead Sea can relax. He or she does not have to think, How will I get the conversation started tonight? or How can I keep things flowing? All they have to do is to sit there, nod their head, and say, "Uh huh." The Babbling Brook will fill up the evening. The Babbling Brook, on the other hand, finds the Dead Sea equally attractive because Dead Seas are the world's best listeners. Five years after marriage, however, the Babbling Brook may be saying, "We've been married five years and I don't know him/her." At the same time, the Dead Sea is saying, "I know him/her too well. I wish they would stop the flow and give me a break."
 
The Neatnik and the Slob
 
"I've never known anyone as sloppy as Barry," said Meredith. How many wives have said this about their husbands less than a year after their wedding? Interestingly, before marriage this never bothered Meredith. Oh, she may have noticed that the car was sometimes dirty or that his apartment was not as neat as she would have had it. But somehow she concluded, "Barry is a more relaxed person than I am. That's good; I like that. I need to loosen up a little." Barry, on the other hand, looked at Meredith and found an angel. "Isn't it wonderful that Meredith is so neat? Now I don't have to worry about keeping everything clean because she will take care of that." Three years later, however, he is being bombarded with verbal stones of condemnation, to which he responds, "I don't understand why you would get so upset over a few dirty socks."
_____________________________________________________
Taken from Now You're Speaking My Language: Honest Communication and Deeper Intimacy for a Stronger Marriage, by Gary Chapman. Copyright © 2007 Gary Chapman. All rights reserved 
 
 
God bless your marriage and family.
 
Jim Stephens
 

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Jim Stephens
The Marriage Library