When A Man Interrupts A Woman

By John Gray

A woman feels that a man is not listening when he interrupts her in the middle of her conversation.

Men will often interrupt each other to make a point and never feel as if the other person was not listening, particularly if the interruption was a good point or a relevant correction or argument. The "relevancy" of the comment proves he WAS listening.

When women are interrupted by a man, they think, "men don't listen." It is probably more accurate for her to interpret it this way, he did listen but was not polite because he didn't let her finish.

Research has shown that men communicate with different "rules". Think about a basketball analogy. The objective is to get the ball in the hoop. Players will throw it back and forth until one shot gets it. No one minds when a player hogs the ball IF his shot goes in. It's only a problem if his shot DOESN'T go in. If a man interrupts to make a point, and he's on target, the last thing any of the other men would conclude is that he was impolite or disrespectful.

A woman might feel offended when a man interrupts, but the man is wondering why she's not giving him points. He expects her to say something like "Good Point!" But she is thinking he should apologize.

A man can refrain from interrupting a woman if he knows what is expected from him. He needs to understand the "rules".  Once again let's use basketball. There are times when a player gets a free throw. That player gets to take all the time they want and no one interferes.

When communicating, if a woman doesn't feel comfortable bouncing ideas back and forth, she can directly say this phrase in a friendly tone, "Give me a few minutes to explain this fully and then tell me what you think." There is no need to demand this or request it in a firm tone. Once he understands, the man is happy to listen in this way. He just needed to know what is expected of him. This little request can make a world of difference. If he interrupts again, then once again, in a friendly tone, say, "OK, OK, I'll let you know when I'm done and you can tell me what you think."

This friendly, accepting approach goes over much better with men than feeling resentful because he is "not listening".

Below are 8 common expressions that women use when feeling the resentment of not being heard. Attitude is everything. Even these expressions would work fine if she delivered them humorously without a tone of resentment. To get a sense of how a man hears these comments, imagine a woman is feeling excluded and resentful and then makes any one of the following comments:

  · Can I just finish?

  · Can I say anything around here?

  · Let me say something

  · I just want to finish my point.

  · You're not listening.

  · You're not hearing me.

  · I can't say anything.

  · You don't understand.

When a woman makes such comments with a resentful tone, a man will usually become defensive. From his perspective, he IS listening. He feels like he is playing by the "rules". She could interrupt back at any time to make her point. He feels as if she is calling him for a foul which he has not committed. Without this understanding of the differences, men and women can become adversarial rather than supportive.

Ideally, the best response from a woman when she feels interrupted is not to take it personally and simply to interrupt back in a friendly way and continue her point. The easiest way to do this is to listen a little, compliment him, and then continue saying what she wanted to say. She could say, "Good idea, but." or "All right, let me try saying this differently."

There is a big difference between saying, "You are not listening" and saying, "All right, let me try saying this differently." Although the message is really the same, the second message is non-accusatory and is a clear sign that she has not taken his interruption personally.

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God bless your family and your marriage.

Jim Stephens